dear deidra
3:12 a.m.

Dear "Deidra":

God. I can't get over you. I know you've gotten over everything that's happened. I can see it in your eyes every time we meet, by chance. Meeting you by chance or because of an obligation is all I have left of you now. That, the memories, and the few pictures I have. My friends tell me, "But if you keep looking at the pictures, then you won't forget." They want me to forget, Deidra. They want me to forget and move on.

I don't blame them. This has stuck with me for so long. But, don't you see? If this has stuck with me for so long, then don't you think it means something? How can you just push me away knowing how much of an impact you've had on me? You can't do that, Deidra. You can come into someone's life the way you did, say "it would be a good idea if we didn't talk to each other," and just leave it at that, hoping it will all go away. Because obviously it hasn't, Deidra. Have you heard from anyone? "Carrie"? "Dan"? "Shauna"? Because they know, they all know --- I'm struggling here, Deidra. Can't you see? God brought you into my life for a reason. Why are you ignoring that? Why won't you let it sink into your head that there's a reason all this happened? As much as you think I'm stubborn for having believed that we could have something together, you're being stubborn for thinking you can ignore me and it will all just go away. Well it won't, Deidra. I'm tormented day in and day out. My heart is breaking, falling to shreds every moment I breathe because you're not in my life anymore. Do you know how I feel whenever I see you and all I feel is the cold, icy stare that comes from your eyes? That's all I see when I look at you. All you seem to have for me is contempt, and all I seem to have for you is love. It's a match made in hell, I suppose.

I'm tired of writing you letters where I'm being all diplomatic and shit, trying to suppress my love. Who the hell suppresses love?? Thank God for this anonymous writing page. Thank God. You know why? Because I loved you, dammit! I wanted to spend time with you, to hold you, to have you hold me. Man, when I was with you, I felt like there was no place on Earth I would have rather been. When your eyes looked at me as I talked, I felt like I belonged. I felt like I mattered. And now what? You've gone a complete turnaround. I feel nothing but hatred and anger from you when I see you.

Maybe it's because you're 21. Maybe you're just too fucking young to understand or appreciate that someone could feel this much for you. Damn you, Deidra! Damn you for bringing me to tears all these days and nights. Damn you for making me weep inside when I'm smiling and trying to be strong on the outside. You're always telling me to take it like a man. Well, men don't avoid problems like you've done so successfully. They confront them head on, you jack-ass hypocrite! I am not your father! Your father may have given you pep talks like that all your life. And yes, I remember you telling me how he pushed you into sports and all that crap. I remember it all...I AM NOT YOUR FATHER! You can't talk to me like he talked to you and expected this problem to be solved.

I know you have your finals and you've been very busy. I've been praying for you. I go back to the east on the 24th, and even though we've exchanged e-mails about it, I really don't expect us to talk to each other in person before I leave. Which would be a good thing, anyway. Because I don't want you forcing yourself to do something you don't wanna do. And most of all, I don't want to enter a confrontation with you where you've already written all the rules and made your assumptions. Do you know how sickened I felt when you wrote me and said that the reason why you didn't want to talk face-to-face with me is because you think I'm gonna assume things are gonna go back to the way they used to be? DAMMIT, Deidra...are you THAT COMPLETELY FUCKING CLUELESS about how I've DESPERATELY TRIED to get over you? And how I have eventually come to terms with reality, that it will never be the same?

The only time I ever thought I ever stood a chance of being with you was in the moments before I hit the SEND button and sent you that infamous e-mail all the way from last June. After that, reality struck. I KNEW that we could never be together the way I wanted us to be together, BUT I DIDN'T EXPECT FOR YOU TO FUCKING ABANDON ME!!!!

It's gonna be a year, Deidra. It's gonna be a year since things went down between us. And I still miss you. I still FUCKING miss you.

I see you around with all these new people, and my heart breaks, and there's nothing I can do about it. When we went to Santa Barbara, I heard someone say that your "whole purpose" for coming there was to meet someone special...even though that whole weekend was supposed to be about God, just like the speaker said! What the hell kind of spiritual leader are you supposed to be!

You're a hypocrite!!! I hate you!!!

I love you!!!

I miss you!!!

You see what I've been trying to sort out for the last year, Deidra? Through classes and work and AACF and everything else that I've had to worry about, nothing has ever diminished what happened between us. People I know are experiencing the death of their loved ones and then I feel guilty because I spent so much time missing and dealing with losing you even though you're not dead, but you may as well be!

It wasn't supposed to be like this, Deidra. If I ever had to lose you, it shouldn't have been like this. And at the end of the day, I only have myself to blame. I know it.

Sincerely,

"Burglar"

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