i can't live inside regret
5:34 p.m.

dear mom:

when i was sixteen i did something that devastated you. i almost died, and in the process i showed you that the daughter that you always thought you had in your head (you know, the little girl who came into this world ready and equipped with a perfect set of morals and values without you having to even add water) was not real. low and behold, you discovered that your oldest offspring was an actual human being...you discovered that fact, but to this day you have yet to acknowledge it.

so i made a mistake. a horrible, horrible one. one that has given you nightmares. but, mommy, have you ever inquired about my nights? have you ever asked me about my dreams? I was there that night, whereas you only came in during the last act. I was mostly to blame for that night, whereas you were just the one who found all the pieces. yes, i know you'll never be the same...but can i be selfish for a momentand say 'what about me?'? You have never once asked how something so horrible happening to someone so young has affected me...how it's left me uncertain and feeling like something's broken deep inside me that will never be fixed.

you never ask, because you like thinking that i feel no guilt, no remorse, no angst as you like to call it. it makes you feel better at night when you think of how much you hate me to also think that you're justified in the emotion because i have no regrets.

but, oh mommy, i do. i regret so much.

i regret my shortcomings as a daughter, and a human being. and i regret never being able to truly make you proud. and i regret all the times i ever caused you to cry. most of all i regret that bloody night, and the gaping tear it's left between us. the fact that you can't get over the fact that it happened, and you never saw it coming. the fact that your childmade a very, very bad choice and told a few lies because she was scared and confused and young and naive and all of the things that children are before they grow up. the fact that no matter what you say about forgiveness, and how many smiles we share or have shared since that night...i still know that in your heart i am some sort of black mark; that everything i ever do in my life from that moment of misjudgement on will always be, to you, a reflection of that sixteen year old girl.

we never get to move on. we never get to move forward. we never get to get past the ugliness.

these are all things i regret.

and most of all i regret that something like that, something that was almost five years ago, could make you dislike me as much as you do. you're my mother, and i know that you love me as mothers do...but you can love someone and not like them, and that's the way it is with us these days.

everything i do is wrong. everything i say is stupid. every move i make is observed and calculated by you as being "cocky", or "nonchalant", or "ignorant". i am just a "stupid bitch". so, i gave in. i desperately just wanted your love back. i did what you wanted. for years i have had no friends. no one calls the house for me. i don't go anywhere except to school and to work and possibly the grocery store. i try not to do things that irritate you or cause you to remember that i once lived life and made a mistake. i have renounced all claims on everything in this world. my whole existence belongs to you.

and it made you happy for a little while.

but not anymore.

now it seems that the very act of my breathing is now a burden that you must bare. another great sacrafice that you have to make as my mother. all i care about is going to school, you say...when it was you who told me that school was the most important. i should work more than 35 hours a week...when it was you who told me not to overwork myself. the career path i have chosen is stupid...when it was you who suggested it in the first place.

it seems now that my complying with your wishes irritates you.

you have told me that it's time for me to get out. to leave. you're sick of looking at me. you're tired of my draining away at this dysfunctional unit we call a family. i don't think of anyone but myself, and i am "far too busy living my life" to care about what goes on with you and my sisters anymore.

when you know that isn't true.

those are all things you have made up to make me look bad in your eyes so that you can justify wanting me to leave. you want me to leave because you are tired of being reminded of that fucking night...and don't think that i am so stupid not to know it.

so, you have made me the way i am. a social leper, who wouldn't know how to have friends now if someone held a gun to her head. i can't connect with people because everytime i start to i think of you and your opinions about people i cringe away thinking you might be right. and after helping to make me this way, and knowing....knowing....that i have no one else in this world but you you have decided it's time to exact your revenge over the person who showed you that even something you created inside your womb is not perfect. you're casting me out.

well, mom....

fuck you.

love,

me.

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