who am I? the search begins
10:25 p.m.

To anyone who'll listen:

I'd like the write a letter about love and how I'm in it. But, Alas, I am not.

I want to write a letter about happiness and how I feel it. But right now, I don't.

I'd really like to get my emotions out and write everything down and go back and read it and say "yeah..". But, I can't.

Sometimes, like now, I feel so messed up. I feel like my head is spinning around in circles and when it stops, it's on backwards. I have all these sentences of true emotion, true hurt, floating in my head and I can't get them to stay for a second so I can type them down.

I'm one of those people who hear an song and truly become moved because of the lyrics, sometimes I cry because of them. I'm one of those people who read sentences over and over again when I'm reading a book because the sentence is so well written. In my mind, I'm that girl in the corner observing everyone and everything. In reality, I'm not. People think I'm part of the crowd. I'm a very good actress.

I think about the future and love and everything and my heart pounds. I don't know what to make of that. I'm either afraid, or excited, or I have a heart condition. Take your pick. All I know is sometimes I look at life and I think "God, I'm only going to be this age once, never again." And it scares me. I feel small. I am small. I feel like I'm not doing this right. Like, there's another way of going about being.

What can I say? None of this makes sense and I know that. I just feel like I'm living a lie. Like I'm not who I say I am. And if all that's true, who the fuck am I?

-C

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