an apology to a darling
7:59 p.m.

I was upset, the other night, sobbing - because I wanted, needed to do just what I told you I'd try not to. And you asked me how I was, asked if I'm okay, and I'm just to ashamed to tell you that I'm not so brave or strong. Around 11:30, I turned on the light and cut. And I'm sorry, for nothing more than for not being able to tell you to your face. Because it did help. I was hysterical, shaking, choking on my tears. And I turned on the light. By the time the light went back out, I was okay. I'd stopped crying and my breathing returned to normal. And it scared the shit out of me, I hadn't known how strong the physical desire was. I was shaking uncontrollably, I could feel the vomit rising in my throat. And I'm just sorry. Sorry you'll worry, sorry I'm too ashamed to tell you, even though I know you very well could read this, sorry I had to do that. Sorry I'm not strong enough to get over the sobbing and shaking and vomit and just be normal.

-E

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