the gift
2:42 a.m.

Dear Charles,

These have been the most difficult years of my life. But in recent months it has become gradually more bearable to live without you. In fact, I may one day soon reach the point where I can finally get past you. Someday I will be free from the heartbreak of our downfall. Someday I will fully accept life without you.

But there are reminders. I cannot step on campus without somehow wondering whether or not I will run into you. I wonder solemnly rather than with anticipation. It has been a long time since I looked forward to seeing you. Now the thought of running into you paralyzes me with petrification. What memories will resurface at the sight of your handsome face? What old bitterness will resurrect to betray the overwhelming and lasting fondness and love I've had for you?

And AACF. I shall never again view that organization in the same way. With time my disposition will improve and, perhaps even one day soon, I will return to the state of full passion for God that I used to possess in my early days with the fellowship. But for right now, all I can see is the spectre of our downfall hanging over me for a long time.

God knows that I want nothing more than to be your friend again, to have your respect for me. And there will always be a part of me that wishes you were mine, that wishes you had the capacity to experience my kind of love. But no. It was not meant to be. I will forever be an abomination to you. Forever will I be nothing more than an unstable fool, a sadist with the mental stability of an Alzheimer's patient. In your eyes, I will never be an ideal. In your eyes I will forever be just another guy on the street.

But you are more to me, Charles. You are more to me than your perception of me. You are more to me than the limited and often-angry perceptions and judgements of this world. Someday you will understand this. Someday you will understand that my love for you is pure. It has always been pure. Regardless of what you or others might want to believe, my love was not entirely motivated by need or lust or want. My love came because of you --- because this person named Charles was sweet, funny, charming, intuitive, caring, intimate, strong. And for a while, Charles was there for me. For a while, Charles was my friend.

The name "Charles" shall always strike a murmur in my heart. When I lay on my deathbed as generations of family surround me while doctors fight to save my life from old age, I will always remember that name from my past. I will always remember you.

Joseph

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