never enough
9:37 a.m.

I drove home drunk when i heard. Can you believe it? All that talk of a police crackdown and they missed the girl sobbing into her steering wheel.

The thing is, (and i know it's a horrible thing to say) you don't deserve things to be ok again. I've heard that if you love someone you want the best for them, no matter what, but i can't muster that much enthusiasm about your life. One year on... *exactly* one year on, and i'm sill wounded. I think i always will be. I'm in a nonrelationship with a boy i can't stand because i've reasoned it's better than being alone... or worse... feeling what i felt with you and being broken all over again. He's not really a boy... he's a man. And whenever i'm in bed with him i think of how hard and perfect your body was, and how you looked at me, and as hard as i try to shut you out i can't. And that's why i can't stand him. Becuase he's not you. It's hard to be resigned to the fact that, at 22, you will never have the same feeling of such overwhelming love and emotion for the rest of your life. Although, maybe it's better that way.

Do you know i almost died because of you? six months. It took me six months just to be able to keep food down again.

And now you casually mention to my best friend that you "have a girlfriend".

So stuff's ok for you again, is it? Kicked that drug habit? (Although, it wasn't really a habit, was it... it was a way of life. it *was* life for you... and you wonder why i hated it?) Found stability, have yo? True love?

You don't deserve to have everything ok again when, a year later, i'm still feeling what i'm feeling. broken. What you saw of me when you ended it, the endless pursuit to get you back... i cringe now at what you must have thought of me, but truth be told, that's what i still feel. I've just learnt to hide it so very well, you'd be so proud. I've perfected the 'on switch', my darling boy.

My darling boy.

She'll never be as good as me in bed. You said so yourself... no one compares.

Do you know why it was good? I put my whole heart and soul into it. It wasn't meaningless. I gave you everything. Completely. And you decided it wasn't enough.

Never enough?

I loved you.

I love you.

I will always love you.

I'll never be able to think of England without picturing you and i in the apartment we never shared. Scotland and the views we never saw. I'll never be able to think about love in the context of something less than an incredible ache I never want and an incredible joy that i'll never feel again.

And it's the worst feeling in the world, knowing that nothing else will ever be enough.

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