To: Mr. hesitant lover
2:38 a.m.

You know what? You suck. You really really are getting to be such a pain in my ass. Who, please tell me dear, WHO tells someone thay they love them and then just disappears? Who? You. You give me indigestion, really, you have become the reason that I can't digest food. Should I give you a plaque for that one? Still, in the back of my mind there is that distant hope that you will return. But in that same small space, it is pinned with the anger at you. Yes, there is anger. You've taken away my before night thoughts. You know, the ones where I would see myself in your arms and get that crazy feeling as I tried to imagine the way you would kiss me. Trying to envision the look on your face as you drift to sleep beside me. I sit here typing this beacuse, once again I waited for your call. Don't pretend you didn't get my messages. Just...don't. You meet me, you like me, you love me, you're gone. Was that a good enough recap of our relationship? You were the one that persued ME. And the crazy part is, I was just beginning to fall for it this time. I thought I had the cold bitch/ice queen bit all down, but you came and broke me of that. Why did you have to do that to me? Why did you make me believe for just..just a second that someone wanted me again? To "know" that there was someone sharing my before sleep fantasies. To have a reason to smile in the faces of the assholes at my school and in life that have hurt me in the past only because I knew that there was someone I could come home to. Hearing your smooth voice over the answering machine, why did you have to give me chills that never went away? Why did you pretend to care about me? Well at least I cataloged and bottled the moments while they lasted. I thought I had ended my search this time. I swear, I thought you were it. But no, you've just moved yourself to the 'never was' pile. A pile thats qickly growing. It would be easy...oh god so easy to put this on myself again. To make it my fault. But, it's not. Thank god, this time it's not. Maybe you were just scared. Scared of your own emotions. You've gone through a few 'Seth' situations. I was scared too. But I handled it better. I just want you to know that. At least I tried...

I love you, I hate you. Goodnight.

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