it's time.
12:16 a.m.

Dear J,

This is an email which should be sent, but more than likely will never be.

It's like one of those speeches you rehearse in your head for hours in the hopes that the opportunity will come up and you can say what you've bottled in for months. The only problem is that the opportunity will always manage to elude me. And that's why I'm here.

This stops right here. right now. I'm so sick of being this way... of being pulled around by you and your whims... your guilt trips, your feelings. Today was the last time i will ever dress up for you... prepare the night for us... get my hopes up. There's no point any more. You have left me standing there, feeling like an idiot, too many times. I can't handle the disappointment. I can't handle you being 'nice' to me when our secret is dictating your entire attitude towards me. Tonight, i was going to tell you that it's all ok. We *can* still be friends... i don't want to complicate your life; I wanted to make it better. You always said that being with me was fun and you wanted to keep going, so i was ready to sacrifice my feelings so we could still 'hang out', be 'friends'... but i felt so stupid, listening to your voice message and seeing my parents shoot sympathetic glances my way. To be perfectly honest, I treat the man who mows my lawn with more decency than you've showed me these past weeks and it's time for me to take control again. I don't want to be led on... relying on you for any morsel of time and affection you can spare, like a hungry puppy. I don't feel empowered... i feel three years old, as opposed to the 21 year old intelligent young woman i should be, and i hate it. What gives you the right to call me up with three hours to spare to cancel for that night? You've done it before... calling into my work for 3 minutes then leaving again, pleading ignorance at any lunch you'd promised. Te discomfort... the embarassment... it all comes flooding back to you when you're with me, doesn't it? Why?

It's time for you to stop fucking me around, and it's time for me to grow up. I no longer care if you have feelings for me. I can't take any more sympathetic glances from anyone... I'm not going to wait for you to make your mind up, or to start treating me like a human being instead of the plague. I don't need you, and despite what I feel I think it's best if I don't see you for a while... partially because I need time to get over you and partially because if I saw you, all this would come rushing out and you'd look at me differently. I'm not all flirty or clever... I hurt too... I just don't think you realise how much you hurt me.

Stay away from me and let me regain my sanity, my self respect and my heart. It's time for me to try again... maybe i'll get it right this time.

Elle

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