Is the Moon Laughing?
11:14 p.m.

Dear You:

What I saw tonight made me cringe. I can't explain it really, but I just wanted to fling up my arms and let out a wail of absolute dispair. After everything else that went wrong tonight, to see that...well, it was pretty hard to take, even for me.

I think you know what I felt at that moment. When you looked up and saw me staring I felt something....a kind of realization on your part maybe? It seemed as though a sudden understanding was born into the air between us, and, to make room for it, something had to die. And I think something did. But I'm not sure what yet.

I acted nonchalant, you know. I hope you noticed. I shrugged it off as though I'd seen that thing a million times before (which I have, but never from you) and I looked away but inside I was screaming. No! No! Not you, too!

But yes, it's true. You are no different than most, I guess. And maybe this is me being too hard on you, or too picky, or too ridiculous...but hell, after what i saw tonight my foolish whims are all I have left.

It wouldn't have been as bad if you weren't so good at it. When I saw you and him...the hands clasping for a moment and then letting go, never to tell the secrets that passed between I was almost fooled...but when i realized....well...I wanted to just cave in on myself and let go of everything. I wanted to follow him into that bathroom and take a hit of your magic, because I just can't take the whole world being this way.

So anyway, I guess next you'll be telling me that I'm just a dumb girl who doesn't know how to relax and have a good time. And when that happens I'll just look at you with one of my looks. You know, those looks I give to make people think i could care less what they think. And I hope you'll be fooled because i don't want you ever to know what I know now after what I saw tonight.

I'm mourning a loss. A death. My respect for you that was killed in order to make way for this new understanding was something that I treasured only because I never really respect anyone...and this understanding, still shiny and new and blind, is one that I'm sure will only grow more intricate and mind numbing from here on in...

I'm not a prude. I'm not stuck up. I'm not some tight ass who won't give anything a try. I just don't feel that life requires mind altering drugs to be tolerable.

But obviously you do...and I'm mad at myself that I didn't pick up on it...and I'm mad at you for giving no sign at all...and i'm mad at this night because of what I saw.

I'd give anything not to know what this night has shown me.

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