Scared to tell you
4:47 a.m.

Dear Andi,

Do you know that I've loved you since we were kids, when I was 13 and you were 16? For eight years I've hidden my secret, called it "girlish" and decided it was just a crush like so many others I've had since then. It's been inside me for eight years, this attraction to your body, to your mind, to *you*. A yearning that until now, I'd labeled as "lust" and pushed aside.

I know why I've never said anything to you, and I know why I might never will. I'm scared to say anything. I'm scared for a lot of reasons, but most importantly that if I say something, you'll turn me away.

Once upon a time I would have believed that my physical appearance was enough of a roadblock for any relationship, but I have learned that that's not true. I am beautiful in so many ways. What holds me back now is the fear that I won't be wanted. I know that comes from my last relationship.

You know the one. I loved him so much that I felt my life was complete. We were engaged, we were going to be married, and then he decided to leave because he had never really wanted to be tied down in the first place. He made me feel it was my fault that he felt this way, he made me feel as if I had ruined the relationship when really it wasn't my fault at all. It wasn't my fault, and it wasn't his. But he couldn't see that; to him somebody had to bear the blame and he didn't want it to be himself.

He left me feeling as if I were the worst person on Earth, as if I had thrown away my only chance at love, as if I had ruined everything. He left me scared of ever trying to love again, for fear I would ruin everything... again.

You showed me that it wasn't my fault. You were there for me when I needed you, and you have been there for me every day since then. You have cheered me up, given me smiles, given me friendship and trust and affection: all things I had felt I was left without when my fiance abandoned me.

I don't know exactly why I say that I love you. There is a feeling inside me, soft and warm, gilded with a passion that I'm needing to share. I don't even know what it is that I love: your arrogant walk, your mind, your smile, your voice, the way you know exactly the right way to make me feel better no matter what has gone wrong.

Maybe it will change, drift into a brother-sister love. I am hoping that it will spark, ignite into a flame that will burn -- soft and bright -- for a very long time.

And maybe someday I will have the courage to tell you this in person, instead of putting it all in a letter that I will never send. I know it's there inside me. I just have to find it again.

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