Letter to Clarence
5:23 p.m.

Letter to Clarence

Disclaimer: This is a letter that I have been working on writing for a while. I have not yet sent it to him. I do plan on letting him read it. This is kind of like...a "this is it" letter. Because after this, he should have no question about how I feel

Dear Clarence,

I am writing this letter to you because a lot of times on paper is the best way I can express myself. The words sometimes get caught up in the middle of my mind and my mouth when we are talking and the right thing never comes out. My friend Erin actually told me to do this. She said write down how you feel on paper�and just give it to him. If he responds�he responds�if not�then he doesn�t. So�here goes.

You are a great friend; I really appreciate that. You were there for me during one of the hardest times of my life. When my mother died, I wasn�t sure what exactly I was supposed to do. But you helped me in more ways than you realize. You told me it was okay to cry, okay to scream, ok to hurt, ok to grieve. I really needed to hear that, and I appreciate the sincere and caring way it came from you.

One thing that I have always hated about myself is the fact that I feel. That may seem like something idiotic and stupid to say, but it is the truth. I hate the fact that I �wear my heart on my sleeves� for lack of a better clich�. By being a person that feels�I have a burden that some people, most people don�t have. It�s not as easy for me to get over people�and when I love someone out loud; so to speak, it�s hard as hell to get over them.

The song that keeps playing over and over in my head is that Sade song, �Somebody Already Broke My Heart�

You came a long, when I need a savior

Someone to pull me through, somehow

I�ve been torn apart, so many times

I�ve been hurt so many times, before

So I�m counting on you now

Somebody already broke my heart

Somebody already broke my heart

Here I am. So don�t leave me stranded

On the end of line

Hanging on the edge of a lie

I�ve been torn apart

I�ve been hurt so many times, before

So be, careful and be kind

Somebody already broke my heart

If someone has to lose---I don�t wanna play

Somebody already broke my heart

No, no, I can�t go there again

You came along, when I need a savior

Someone to pull me through, somewhere

I�ve been torn apart so many times

I�ve been hurt so many times, before

So I�m counting on you now

Somebody already broke my heart

If someone has to lose---I don�t wanna play

Somebody already broke my heart

No, no I can�t go there again

But then I have to wonder to myself, is it wrong of me to expect more of you? Why do I think that, through all that is holding us apart, we can overcome it and come out on top?

It�s not that I want to lose our friendship. It�s not even that. I still remember the first time we said---I love you---. I remember you saying it, and then as I went to say it back, I started crying. The next day you said it again, and I couldn�t say it back, because I knew I would cry. I cried because I felt that�deeply. Because when you said it, I could feel it. Because it was echoing inside of me, and it was the same way I felt. I cried because I�m not the kind of person to say those words without really feeling them�and I really felt them.

But I don�t want to burden you. I know that you have a lot going on in your life, and I don�t want to seem like I want something that is completely impossible. And it isn�t your fault that I have these intense feelings for you, and you don�t feel the same way. It�s just that---sometime ago, I had a feeling that you did feel that same way, but had fear. But you see�all those time you said, �I love you,� were some of the most important moments to me. But, as the old saying goes--actions speak louder than words. I think that the group Extreme touched on this a lot in their song, �More than words�.

Saying I love you

is not the words

I want to hear from you

It's not that I want you

Not to say,

but if you only knew

How easy it would be

to show me how you feel

More than words

is all you have to do

to make it real

Then you wouldn't have to say

that you love me

Cos I'd already know

What would you do

if my heart was torn in two

More than words

to show you feel

That your love for me is real

What would you say

if I took those words away

Then you couldn't make things new

Just by saying I love you

More than words

Now I've tried to

talk to you and make you understand

All you have to do

is close your eyes

And just reach out your hands

and touch me

Hold me close

don't ever let me go

More than words

is all I ever needed you to show

Then you wouldn't have to say

that you love me

Cos I'd already know

What would you do

if my heart was torn in two

More than words

to show you feel

That your love for me is real

What would you say

if I took those words away

Then you couldn't make things new

Just by saying I love you

More than words

More than words

More than words

More than words

More than words

I said at one moment I knew what I wanted---but I wasn�t sure anymore. That is because at one time, I couldn�t see past what I wanted---which was you. I thought that you were what I needed to make me happy, to heal me, to set me free from all this pain that was inside of me. In doing that, I was wrong. I can�t expect someone else to take away my problems. My problems are exactly that---my problems. No matter whom I am with at whatever moment in life. My problems are not their problems�they are mine.

In saying that, I have come to realize where a lot of mistakes are made in relationships. People expect someone to wash away all that is wrong in their lives. They wish for miracle workers to come through and clean out all of their shit. But, in relationships you can�t expect that from another person.

How can I expect you to love me, if even at times I don�t love myself? How can I expect you to have faith in us, if I don�t even have faith in tomorrow? How can I prove to you that despite all of the aforementioned, and everything else? I do love you. THAT SCARES ME. The fact that I can�t convince myself not to think of you in that sort of sense. It�s like, we talked on the phone the other day, and I hadn�t talked to you in a couple of weeks are so�I wanted so badly to scream, I love you. But I don�t consider that something that needs to be said all the time. You should know how I feel about you. You should realize and feel it too, not needing me to tell you all the time.

Do you realize it? Do you understand what I mean when I say that, �I love you,� despite whatever comes between us? Distance, other people, no matter what. But, as I think about the severity of what I am asking, I remember a quote I once read. �Part of loving someone is learning to let go. The worst thing to do is to hold on to someone who doesn�t want to be held on to.�

How do you teach yourself to let go? How do you teach yourself not to love? Who are you if you can�t love? What is the point of living? Love is so important. When you love someone�you realize that you have this amazing gift�and you want to laugh and you want to cry. Because you feel so luckily that you found it, but so scared that it will all go away at the same time.

I don�t know why I am writing this. I don�t know what I am trying to say with this. I don�t know where this is going. You are probably not even really reading this and feeling this, etc. You probably don�t even care. Why should you care? Why should all of this matter?

But so much lies inside of me and angers me. For instance�how could you say all the things to me that you said and then RUN into someone else�s arms? I mean, you even went as far as saying things like, �I wish I�d met you first.� But you were still with old girl. And at one time during a conversation�you said something about us being together. To which I couldn�t give an answer to them because it was so much to think about. We never finished that conversation.

Our friendship is built on a lot of that. Many things that have gone unsaid and unfinished. I get so frustrated at you sometimes. Especially feeling about you the way I have felt, the way I currently feel. But I can�t also help but feel as if someway, I was being played.

All the things you said.

All the �I love you�s�

All the words of sentiment.

Is my loving in vain? Am I wasting my time? Do I love someone who can�t possibly ever love me back?

Lastly�the other day on the phone we were discussing this whole �wedding� saga that we have gotten into these days. The dreaded hypothetical question that has caused so much drama between us. In the conversation you said something like, �Don�t wait to late to say something.� So I am saying it. I�m saying it, I�m saying it, and I�m saying it.

The reason why I cannot attend your wedding is because I cannot sit there and watch someone else marry you. I just can�t do it. I can accept the fact of you getting with someone else, but I could not physically be there to watch it. I hope you understand.

I love you. If you only knew how hard it is for me to say that. But it is something that resonates deep inside me. I love you. Today, Tomorrow�and the next day. It is not something that I even question anymore. It�s something I carry with me everyday. It has become a part of me.

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