a letter sealed, addressed and stamped waiting to be sent
10:11 a.m.

4/11/2002 4:35 PM

I need to write, because talking to you does not seem to be an option right now and there are thoughts and feelings that need some form of escape from my being. I have always had trouble speaking what I feel. Writing has always come more naturally�or maybe it�s the one-sided conversation I prefer. So, I�m just writing and I�m not exactly sure what will come out.

Sometimes I think if I pretend everything is okay between you I�pretend that we can go back to being the kind of friends we once were, that maybe, just maybe everything really will be alright. However, whenever we happen to be in the same space at the same time with each other, nothing seems okay. There are temporary, fleeting moments when I think it will be okay, but the night always ends with me not feeling okay. Feeling like when you smile at me my heart breaks into a thousand pieces all over again. The majority of time it�s not even because of anything you have done or said, but because it is in those moments when I know our relationship can never go back to how it used to be.

I know you love me in the way you do. I know your intentions have never been to inflict any sort of pain or create any disharmony in my life. Yet, pain and disharmony is what I feel whenever I walk away from you. This is not to say you have done this to me. In fact, it�s quite clear, I�ve done this to myself. I keep doing it to myself.

For such a very long time I have been so miserable with life in general. The despair within me could fill several dump trucks. And somehow I let you be my happiness. I let you give me what I could not give myself. That was an unfair thing to do to you in every way, shape, and form. And though I am happier now, I can find those happy places within me without any help from anyone else, I still miss you. I miss the way we used to be. I miss falling asleep in your lap while watching the history channel. I miss having someone in my life who knew me so well�so completely. I miss how you spoke my thoughts and finished my sentences.

Maybe writing this letter is a selfish thing for me to do. There�s part of me that doesn�t want to send this, though I know I must. I have to find some sort of way of letting go of the idea you and I will somehow make it all work. I have to find a way to make me believe and come to terms with the fact that I am not your everything girl.

You are an amazing person and I hope you truly realize this some day. I hope some day we can laugh at this. Laugh at our insecurities and the way in which we self-sabotaged ourselves in love so many times. I hope you find your everything girl because you deserve someone just as amazing as you are. And I hope someday I find my everything boy because I deserve someone just as amazing as I am.

And what I hope, more than anything else, is that you and I can be friends again some day. Maybe this can be the start of that and the ending of what has come before.

Protoplast

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