To Jim #2
8:58 p.m.

Dear Jim: Well, my last letter to you on here...that plan was a complete failure. I tried so hard to ignore you. I took you off my buddy list and even blocked you. Erik too, because I knew if I talked to him we'd end up bringing you up. It's funny I think that when I talk to you I bring up him, and when I talk to him I bring up you. Lately I've realized something though. I still have feelings for the both of you. I thought I'd never be able to pick between the two of you, but now I can.

Last year during track, I used to get this weird feeling in my stomach. Not quite butterflies, I just dont know what. I realized it was worse around you, and I always blushed more around you. I am so much more comfortable around you. With Erik I have to think how I look, and seem...impressive to him, but now with you. You liked me just the way I was. You knew my weaknesses, and all my faults. I think in some ways that that's all you remember and think about now. I always feel weak when I talk to you.

Isn't it strange that all this was a year ago? Do you remember what else happened a year ago? That one night...I tried to kill myself. And you and Erik found out, but I didnt talk to him, I talked to you. You freaked out more than he did. I don't think he believed me anyways. But you did, and you were always there whenever I was upset. But you aren't anymore. Maybe you are again now because things are kind of like they used to be, and I love that.

I realized that no matter how special Erik will ever be to me, the feelings I have for him are nothing compared to the feelings that I will always have for you. You will always be special to me. I think I loved you. But in a different way then I've ever loved any boy before. You were my best friend, and more than that too. I wouldn't call our summer "going out" but we "belonged" to each other in a sense. We were together...and it was special in our way. We kept each other going, kept each other up. With you old insecurities left, but a few new ones came. Like the Reese Witherspoon thing. You said I was way hotter than her, but we both know I'm not. And even after we split, you'd still do things to make me more special. You never gave anyone else a hug at the football games like the ones you gave me. You would put down whatever you were holding and put both your arms around me and squeeze so tight. One night, we just kept hugging every couple minutes. I must've hugged you goodbye 10 times. And Erik saw every one of them. He deserved it.

I think I still love you Jim. And I dont want to live the rest of my life without saying it out loud again. And maybe sometime this summer, or soon, I will tell you. I doubt it though. I dont want things to be weird when we are at the same school.

Dont forget me. Gel-head.

xoxo, Ashley

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