beautiful obscurity?
4:20 p.m.

Look, it's four-twenty...hardy har har....

But seriously,

Dear J,

You say you need to see me. You need to discuss feelings. And I guess I understand where you're coming from, but you must understand why I feel like saying no.

These lies are causing me great distress, and I know that that's mostly my fault. I have woven myself a lovely web of deceptions and games and now I'm trapped. But even the smallest fly sometimes escapes the web, right? I don't know, but I know I want to try.

However, there's also something else I know.

I know that I'm probably going to see you anyway.

I don't know why, and I will have such grief afterwards, but I know that I will probably see you.

It almost makes me mad at you sometimes...but I think it's only my anger at myself being reflected in your eyes. I just enjoy being irrational, I guess.

I just wish I could go back, but that's the story of my life. Shoulda, coulda, woulda...what ifs? follow me dayly.

What if when you'd first asked me out I had said no?

What if you had realized I was a fruitcake before we ever made it to our first date, and so told me to go take a flying leap?

What if I had had enough common sense, and consideration of everyone involved to make the right choices?

What if I wasn't so crazy? :)

I don't know what to do. This letter sucks. I'm just confused...I know what I want, but I don't know how to get there without hurting everyone in my path.

I just want things to be like they were for the year and a half that I secluded myself in my house. The simplicity of owing my time to no one was one of those things that you don't appreciate until it's gone. Not that I don't like you...it's just that I've decided I like life better when I'm alone after all. I think it's better for everyone, actually.

Maybe I'm just distressed right now...I'll have to talk to you about it when I see you tonight.

-D

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