what lies beneath
4:06 p.m.

i can't believe i still have these same feelings for you. long after we've parted and long after i've expressed all the rage my bitter little mind could muster, i still love you and want to be with you. but every day there are reminders of how that cannot be, so this heartbreak will last me for life eternal. i want so much to rest with you, make light of life with you, and be with you through trauma and grief. to experience all the facets of life with you would be my dream come true! my soulmate, the one i can live without yet i cannot exist without. for my dependence on you should not compromise our autonomy. but love should exist in it's purest elements, as fondness and deep sincerity.

oh you. i tried to deny my feelings for you with such passion, such intensity. i knew that with every word you spoke and each glance you sent my way was making me fall in love with you. i fought hard to keep my reaction at bay, to lecture myself that, "no! this is wrong!" but i could not deny the chance to tell you how i loved you so, the emotion and wanting were savage rivers breaking against the land. and when i did, when i finally uttered the truth, the house of cards that was our relationship came to a swift crumble. instead of stacking them up again, they've been reshuffled. we are infinitely separated, no longer a pair. i once had a friend and now all that remains is a stranger. i killed us with the weapon of my need, and lost you forever.

though we see each other now and then, cross paths without thinking the least of one another; though my thoughts often wade between fury and fondness for you; and though you only think of me as either a trifle or a blazing fool, you must know this. you are my love, and i will care for you until the times reach their finale. no matter what the past, my memories --- my perception --- of our time together will remain. you will know me as a blotch in your past. my controversy has afforded you the right to do such a thing. but me --- it is i who will forever regard you with a fondness no other person can match, even the one who is destined to become my second love.

if only you could have seen what lies beneath.

i miss you, baby.

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