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10:54 a.m.

don't you get it kyle? i've just killed and revived us so many times that i feel like our relationship is mimicking Patricia Arquette's dying father in "Bringing Out the Dead". i thought i knew who i was, am, wanted to be. i don't.

what is there to believe in anymore?

the only dream i've ever seriously wanted to go through with has resulted in people telling me to give up. that my industry is dying. that it is full of the most scum.

in through the scum of slime that our relationship has been reduced to through our failing trial and error i feel like i'm drowning.

i am utterly in love with the idea that there is a girl out there, a great, beautiful, majestic and strong business woman with enough pride, ability, education, and achievement that my heart could belong to no one else. but i'm not sure, not sure anymore if that is the girl i desire or what i desire to be.

you've tried to fulfill the needs of parents who have no respect for the virtue of commitment and have suffocated us until we cannot recognize each other and you've tried to fulfill the desire of a girl who, despite all desperate tries, still wishes for the back-lashing gothette she fell in love with.

i don't know where that puts you kyle.

my style and manner where that of who i admired last night, not of my true self, not yet. i haven't earned that ability yet. i'm not ambitious enough yet to be that staunch.

but that meticulous, calculating woman. that is who i will become and who i will love.

i know i must mean nothing to you anymore, but you were right. i do still care and love you.

i only feel that i've recognized our depravity for one another more cognitively than you.

you were my last PR, my last link to people and the outside world. my last bond to fun and friendship, to hope in the human people. to appreciation of all that does not need to be rationalized (because it was impossible), it just is to be done because you wanna: want. take. have.

but i don't live by those standards anymore.

i live by: want. earn. own.

i'm sorry, kyle, for hurting you and hurting us.

we made many plans i was looking forward to. i hope that someday this will make sense. christ, i hope tomorrow i will be able to make sense of it. and every day after that. and every day after that.

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