for the friend I do not deserve
2:26 a.m.

My dear friend,

Though we are only connected by our computers, you are one of the best friends I have. I don't think I have ever told you that, but it's true. I love when I get to talk to you. You are always so caring and selfless. You make time for me and listen to me and all my problems. As hard as it is for me to accept that someone cares, you are one of the few I can almost believe.

I'm sorry I am not such a good friend to you. I wish more than anything that I could be. I worry about you, and I wish I could help you. I wish I could be there for you like you are for me. I wish I had something to contribute to our friendship.

But I am a horrible person. It makes me sad to read about what you do to yourself... but sometimes I am also jealous. Jealous because you are thin, you have the low bmi that I want. And I hate that I could possibly be jealous like that. Because I know it is a bad thing, and I worry about you because of it... but I still let the jealousy eat me up. And everyone loves you because you are so caring and have such a beautiful soul, and sometimes I am jealous of that too. Jealous that it is so easy to like you and jealous that you can be such a wonderful, beautiful person... a person I wish I could be.

I hope that one day I will be able to let you see how much you really do help me, how much I care about you, what a wonderful person and a wonderful friend you are. And I hope that one day I am worthy of your friendship. For now, I am sorry that I am not. Much more sorry than I know how to say.

much love, me

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