this is it
1:04 a.m.

J-

My mind is racing and I'm lost in thought. I can't keep my emotions straight. I don't know whether to kiss you, hug you, fuck you, or kick you hard in the ass. For the first time in my depressing life you had me believing in love...but you say you don't love me. You flirt and play when you feel like it, then accuse me of coming on to you when I'm not. I say you're my best friend, but secretly wish we were more. Wow. This is so confusing. I'm not physically attracted to you like I am to your closest friend. But I love you more than I could ever love him.

We both know we have something so special between us, but we don't seem to know what to do with it. I wish you would just hold me and tell me I mean something to you. I wish you would call me and make me feel that you care. I wish you would stop fighting back every time someone suggests that we look good together. It hurts everytime you suggest that spending eternity with me is only slightly better than spending it in hell.

I gave you my heart & my soul. I've never done that before. I trust you. I am willing to follow if need be.

But I have some dignity left, and I know when a relationship is onesided. So I'm packing up and leaving...moving to an island far away. I'm sorry I inconvinienced you with such silly emotions; I must be the last hopeless romantic left on this planet. I wonder how much you care and how much you'll miss me when I'm gone.

Because I'm sure as hell going to miss you.

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