you ruined me
3:04 p.m.

dear J.C.,

did you know that you ruined me? rather, you made me to appear to be someone i am not, and now the man i married thinks that i have changed, that i am not the woman he married.

you probably will never know how much damage you did, even though i still see you every now and then. i mean, my husband is your best friend!

you told me once, at a party, as we sat together and actually talked, something that NEVER happened when it was just us before, you told me that you still dream of me, a dream of us together, at a party, and you and i were trying to have sex, but every room we went to to be private, we would get started and then we'd be interrupted.

i told you it was because you didnt break up with me. i told you it was because you were such a mamas boy that you hid behind her skirts while you sent the man who married me to do your dirty work. i told you it was because you needed closure.

he was happy to do so, it seems he'd loved me from afar, watching me with you, seeing me the way you made me, and thinking that i was the perfect woman for him.

so you see, you ruined me. you ignored me, so i clung, i begged for attention, i was beautiful and delicate for you...he saw that and thought he saw me.

you ruined me.

and the sad thing is, i still dream of you too. except in my dream, you talk to me the way you find you can now, and i know who you are, and i still love you in my dream, and we DO make love, and it is as earth shattering as it was when you ignored me.

sometimes i look at this ring on my left hand and wonder why, if you still dream of me, why you didnt stop this. but i know why.

youre that mamas boy who ruined me.

see you at the club sometime. we'll talk.

-shell-

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