it's not a question of priorities.
10:22 p.m.

a.,

i guess you feel like you've been pushed aside. even though we were never together.

i just wanted you to know it's not you. i still love you, even now, now that you refuse to talk to me, now that you probably hate me more than k., now that i've fucked everything up just like always with my idiotic diary.

maybe you think it's because i'm not sure about this whole bisexuality thing. maybe you're right. i'm not sure how to be with a girl. and the fact that we've been friends for years and that you're three hours away and neither of us has any way of getting to the other one doesn't help matters that much either.

and this guy... i don't know about him. i don't even know whether this is one last shot at trying to be totally straight or whether i actually have feelings for him. i think i do. i'm fairly sure, but then again my emotions always were ambiguous anyways, so how do i know?

i was a mess when you sent me that im after you read that fucking entry. two words: "good luck." and then you were gone. and i couldn't call you, couldn't bring myself to. i just sat there for awhile, wanting to cry, but i couldn't do that either. i felt like a dumbass, a loser, a fuck-off who didn't even know what she wanted.

i don't know about you, but that sounded like one really long excuse to me.

so i guess you feel like you've been prioritized. if i can't get him, then you'll be my second resort. it's not like that. i know how that feels. been through it before and i could never do that to anybody else. i went through it with k. and chris, and i don't want you to go through it.

you're not a 'b' priority.

i wish i could give you something other than excuses. i wish i could give you something real. something that matters.

i don't want to be the one who lost you because of her own blundering.

but i guess i'm just one big blunder altogether.

--k.

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