To my brothers and sisters
1:54 a.m.

To my brothers and sisters in Christ:

I do not even know how to begin to express my sadness and pain. Sadness and pain that I am just now allowing myself to admit that it exists. You grow up a certain way, are trained by everything and everyone around you to act a certain way, to love a certain way, to be a certain way. You've fooled everyone your whole life, including yourself. When you finally begin to be honest with yourself, the realization of the... impossibility of being honest with others hits you like a brick.

I am female. And I like females.

I know you won't believe me, but... I was never molested as a child. never had a sexual experience with a girl. In fact, all the "causes for homosexuality" you may hear about, I have never experienced any of those. I do know that ever since the age of ten or so, I have rejected definite feelings of attraction toward other females. I grew up feeling dirty and weird. But after over a decade of suppression, I was not able to suppress them completely.

Why would I choose to be this way? To be rejected by both the Christian Community (for being gay) and the Gay Community (for being Christian)? To make the search for love about a hundred times harder, if not impossible? To have every single person who ever wondered about my orientation feeling smug and superior because "they knew, even before I did"? To have my "friends" praying constantly for me - but not for me to have an easy transition or peace of mind, but for me to change who I, as a person, am?

How could i even "come out"? To my christian friends?To my non-christian family? I can think of maybe two people in my life who would support me.

I still love God. Still follow Jesus. Admitting to myself and to Him that I am gay has not changed our relationship. But the animosity toward me (even if you don't yet know it is toward me) has me resentful of you all, who are supposed to be my family in Christ.

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