lonely list, meandering mind
8:27 p.m.

You're not online.

I didn't expect this huge sense of loss by not seeing your screen name on my buddy list. I love your away messages, I love knowing where you are, who you are with, your mood. I figure that even if we can't be together...even if we shouldn't be together...at least I can know that you are okay. Maybe they are just reassurances that you are not getting on some other girl. Maybe that is the scenario running through my mind. Maybe I am picturing you leaning up against somebody hot. Somebody hotter. Somebody nicer, and smarter and funnier. Somebody with more personality. Somebody who cares more. I can see it. I'm seeing it. I hate this.

All because you are not online. Maybe your computer is broken. Maybe you decided that everybody thinks your life is pathetic if you are constantly signed on. I hope not. I love reading your away messages, even though I often think they are lies. And without it, I am emotionally untethered.

The worst part of all is that you shouldn't matter to me.

***Gaining determination. Gaining stubbornness. Gaining independence.***

Okay, now YOU DO NOT MATTER TO ME. (Can't you tell?) YOU just DON"T. You are irrelevant.

(But please, just SIGN on.)

ISN'T BEING PATHETIC SAD?

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