The affair
8:34 a.m.

R,

I'm sorry. I flirted with you yesterday. I hugged you. I did all the things I'd promised myself I wouldn't. I acted like I'm single, like I'm free to be attracted to you, when we both know I'm not.

I still don't know if you are attracted to me. I think you were, but you've backed away because you aren't going to take someone else's girlfriend. And I don't think I'd let you anyway.

I just want to kiss you, just once, to see the look on your face, to know if there really is a spark between us. We are friends, I know, but if I could, I'd be more to you than that. It's wrong for me to think this, to say this, when I love someone else so much, but I can't deny the vagaries of my feelings.

So maybe in the future, it will get better. It can't make you feel comfortable to have me flirt with you, and yet I find it so hard to stop. I need to stop, or I'm going to force a confrontation that I'll lose.

I lose if I get you, and I lose if I don't. But if I don't have you, what I do have gives me all the support and love I need. If I do get you, I don't think you can offer me that. You have no future, no time for a relationship, and would you hold me when depression washes over me, when I cry for hours for no reason.

If we could be like that, would you hold me as he does, would you be able to?

If yes, then I'm going to make a hard choice between you. If no, then he wins and you lose.

Why must you be so unobtainable when I want you so much?

Why can't I be content with the wonderful man I am with now? I want you, but I don't want to lose him.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, R, would you have an affair with me?

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