Just a girl
6:17 p.m.

A Boy -

I wish I could wake up one morning and know exactly what to do when it comes to you. I thought I had it all figured out, I thought everything was going to perfect... then I hesitated when I should have just jumped. Now with this hesitation, now with this doubt I'm not so sure I want to take the leap into your arms.

Our history has been so messed up, a series of you breaking my heart... and in the end I'm picking up the million pieces, but they've been smashed so small I can't find them all. I held strong though, and I had that stupid feeling that you'd end up on me... and I was right. My waiting and pain paid off and you started to work things out, started to fix things to be a better person, and you said you wanted me.

I was happy, jumping, great... but you waited so long to get back to me again, that everything told me to give up, but my heart kept a bit of hope no matter how long I tried to crush it... and just when I felt that it was all gone, you showed up again with new promises, new hopes, and new wishes.

I smiled, but I wasn't estatic... something happened that final time... something I smothered and I think I killed to protect myself from being hurt by you again.

You lived up to your promises, saying you'd spend more time with me... but... in desperation to make sense of my feelings I fell for someone else. Not hard, not even that much, just a small crush to send me curious if I was doing the right thing in skipping off with you.

That's when I stumbled, unsure of what to do. I still don't know.. but all I know is that I'm now hurting you like you hurt me... it's not something I ever wanted.

The idea of loosing you... of you never being mine... it doesn't hurt as much as it should. I mean, I've had to face that reality so many times before... maybe it's this girl growing up, or maybe it's just me running away from the pain.

Maybe I'm scared you're going to hurt me again.. or maybe this feeling that I just shouldn't be with anyone is real.

But I know that in a few weeks I'll end up a blubbering puddle of tears, crying of how I have no one, and how I'm so alone... when it'll be my fault that I let you pass me by. Maybe you're suppose to pass me by... maybe we were never meant to be.

Who knows... but I wish I did.

Help me make sense of this.

Lost,
A Girl

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