I don't love you.
4:11 p.m.

Dear J,

I don't love you.

Yes, I said I did on the phone the other night. It was true then. But I've gotten it pounded into my head (particularly by your last entry) that you in fact will never love me like you did, or at least how you claimed you did. I know I should be over it all by now, but.

I loved you with all my heart. I STAYED there EVERY time you got scared I would run off. But you. You ran when I brought my own fears up the second time. And that hurt more than you will ever know. You said you would always love me, always be there for me. But those were just words to appease a naive 18 year old in W---. You don't know, but you were my first kiss. I lied about the others. Maybe that's why I got so attached. Glad you left before we slept together. Hate to see myself after that.

I'm currently shedding the last tears I will cry for you. Sad to know that the only person, hell - the only anything, that can make me cry doesn't care.

This will probably be the last contact with you, even though you'll probably never see it. We can't "just be friends." Everytime we talk, it stabs me. And everytime we talk, it always ends up sex. Wasn't that why you broke off talking before? Why is it okay now? I can't do that anymore. I hate the way it makes me feel, meaningless sex with someone who doesn't care for me.

So this is it. In the words of Michelle Branch:

Goodbye to you

Goodbye to everything that I knew

You were the one I loved

The one thing I tried to hold on to

Goodbye,

Stephanie

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