you think I'm this person I'm just not
11:26 p.m.

I want to tell you that I love you, even though you know it. You are my whole world.

The problem is, that scares me. I don't want any one person to be so central to my existence. How did you slip through the wall that was keeping my heart safe?

It's not just that either, the uncomfortable feeling of being with someone who knows you so intimately. I'm embarassed of you. And, because of that, I'm embarassed of myself. You give everything to me that I need and I am ashamed to be seen with you around people who don't know you. You aren't "my type." You aren't "an acceptable companion." You're a drop out, you're a failure in all the things that most people think are important.

But you aren't a failure when it comes to being my friend and my lover. You make me happy, angry, confused, elated, calm, frustrated, tens of thousands of emotions, often all at once. There's a passion about "us" that I've never experienced with anyone else. I don't care that we're never going to have a huge house or 3 BMWs. I don't need any of that. I know it's expected of me, but I don't need it. I feel trapped by my upper-middle class status. I want the danger that comes with real life. None of this crap now. Everyone's always worried, even people who have everything.

You don't ever worry. You let things come and go and you deal with it. Your circumstances don't rule your life. Mine do and I hate it. I hate that the one person who saved me from a miserable existence is the one person who I am ashamed of.

You take what I say without question. You trust me so much and you shouldn't. You didn't know that I never told anyone about you until lately. We were together for so long before that and I hid you away from the people whose opinions I shouldn't care about anyway. You didn't know that I outright lied about being with someone.

I don't know why you ever picked me. I don't deserve a man who is half as good as you are. You are everything I want to be-- you exemplify love and patience, compassion and understanding, humor and restraint. The second I hear your voice or see you I feel like, at least for that moment, that things are the way they are supposed to be.

You see some good in my that I really don't think is there. When you tell me things about myself and I look away, it's not because I don't trust you, it's that I'm afraid that if you were to look into my eyes you would see how wrong you are and then you'd leave me.

You have so much more of me, of my heart, than anyone else ever has. You weren't my first love, but you were my first lover. I'm glad it was you. I can't think of anyone else that I would have wanted to share that gift with. I'm glad you shared it with me, too. I think it would break my heart if you had been with someone else first.

I'm selfish. I want you all to myself, even though I'm still to chicken to let people know how much you mean to me. If I could, I'd just abandon this life completely and run off with you, but I can't. I'm too tied down, to people, to things, to dreams that I can only achieve in my present state. Maybe I'm in love with those things, too.

I just hope that my love for you is as deep and real as I think it is. I hope that my lust for the success of the world doesn't destroy the success you and I are having now and could have in the future. If it does, that success will be empty. It will be empty because you are the only reason I have any in the first place.

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