fooling ourselves
9:07 p.m.

You know what I'm really tired of? Pretending. High school is one big fantasyland. The gratefulness I feel at having five months left is unbelievable. But, I'm still here for another five months, another five months of pretending. Can I keep doing it? Of course I can, because I have to, because I have been for the last three and a half years. It makes me wonder if most of life is one big fantasyland, the land of pretend. Pretend you're happy, pretend you're just like the rest when you're really not, pretend you're really ok with the way things you are when you're not, pretend you're not crying inside. Do you think everybody is like this? Are we all just crying inside? No, I don't think so. That seems too hard to believe. Perhaps they're not all crying inside. No, because they have each other. And I, I have people too, they're just away, far away. It seems like they'll always be far away, that things will never be the same again, but that would mean I'm living in the past, and I shouldn't do that either. So what the hell do I want? I want...my friends. here. with me. I want somebody to actually know me. and who I am. I didn't know that was such a difficult thing to get in this life. That...is one of the saddest thoughts I've ever had. In the end, are we all just really alone? How do we all go on then? Have we so fooled ourselves? Am I fooling myself?

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