golden boy
10:16 p.m.

Mom,

I need you to know a lot of things.

First off, I think I'm depressed.

I started crying because you wouldn't give me quarters, mom. QUARTERS! I started crying because my sandwich was bad. Over a SANDWICH. You know this isn't me. You know I'm better then falling apart over something as simple as quarters. What I don't understand is why you don't want to help me, but rather you put down my dream of acting? Yeah, it may be impossible, but I'm gunna try really hard. And you just put me down for it. Mom, what's the purpose of that?

"You don't want it badly enough. I truly don't believe you do".

Wow. You have no idea what I want and how badly I want it. Just because you favor your son over me and have become blinded as to what I want my life to become does not mean I don't want something badly enough for your liking. I'm not here to satisfy your standard of wanting something badly enough. I want it too much, but you wouldn't notice that. You're to busy kissing your sons ass.

Well, guess what mom? He's in college and you're stuck with me for another year and a half. Believe me, I'm counting down the days.

Now I need you to know that you made me feel like nothing compared to my brother for four whole years. And why? Because of the fucking school he went to. I literally thought I was nothing, and his school and him were everything. You have no idea how much you hurt me.

"Are you jealous of your brother???"

You once asked me in the sarcastic "I'm better than you" voice of yours. Of course I was.

But the worse part of it all is...I can't stop loving you or him. As much as I want to, I can't. God, how you've hurt me.

But he's so perfect, right mom? He's smart, funny, good looking, charming, mannerly, perfect. You think he'd be a good actor, because you know that's what he "truly wants to do". And my need to act means nothing to you.

Good. So, when I recieve my oscar, mom,maybe then you'll see that I can be perfect too. Not like my brother, but perfect in my own way. And maybe if I win my oscar, that'll prove to you that I want it badly enough.

I'm just sorry mom. I'm sorry I can't be your son.

-C

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