I'm a survivor.
8:25 p.m.

Dear World,

A year ago yesterday I was raped. Somewhere in the past, I remember that day as vividly as I saw it when I was there. But it was a different world then. It was a whole different atmosphere. I just look back now, and sigh with the mouth that has never been the same since. I just run my fingertips over the lingering invisible bruises left there from your tight grip. I just look down at the legs that, for days, couldn't muster up the strength to move. And then, I close my eyes and I look down at the gaping hole I feel deep inside. The bloodstained tears I cried, from the black puffy circles and deep, stinging cuts that they traveled across. Each symbolizing a crystallized moment of everything that I never intended to be. And when I think of that girl, I soon realize that--

I really don't remember her much anymore. She was too much to convey o'er the past year.

She was too much to handle. It was too hard to carry her around all the time. And, once she woke up, lying awkwardly alone, surrounded by her own blood, with a cold bed under her sore, de-clothed body--she realized that life is nothing like she thought it would be. She thought it would be all roses and sunny days. No. That dream is gone now. And so is that girl.

I am gone now. And so is any real emotion. Maybe oneday I can be a real person again, and maybe oneday this lingering stench and poisonous venom will decide to torcher someone new. But, until that day, I'm all you get. But you really shouldn't get too close anyway, I'm contaminated with all that's wrong, and all you tried to teach me was right, World.

You taught me that the only way someone would love me is if I gave myself up to them. I thought I once heard you say that if I ever felt happy, to let the world break me down; because happiness is nothing more than a trophy. And anyone who procured it was just boasting.

You taught me more in 12 months than I could have ever learned in 12 million years. I changed more in 4 seasons, than 4 lifetimes could catch up with. I used you. But, you know what!--You used me, too. So maybe it's not right o go around blaming you, World, but who else is there to blame?

I blamed myself for so long.

I showered for hours.

I looked in the mirror at my imperfect figure, that was unimaginably undesirable while covered with bruises. And when I went to show those bruises to someone else, they couldn't see them. So you made me crazy, too. After months, when I had the courage to tell someone, I couldn't give them any evidence, other than evidence that I was nothing more than an angsty, teenage girl. Even to my own mother, who once asked me what happened. I was too exhausted to even tell her. So I lied. And I lied because of you, World.

You showed me just how ugly you can be. I never thought that anything could be uglier than myself, World, but you.. you proved me wrong. I was a good person. I was a sweet child. I was an innocent little girl. And, just that, a little girl.

But, now, I feel so old. So used. So mistreated. I'm no longer the 14 year old precious I was then. I no longer have that boyfriend who couldn't touch me after I told him. I no longer have the tear stains on my pillows at night. I no longer cry for you. When I cry, it's for me. For my own sake. Because I need someone to cry for me. But not in pity. I cry in pride. In pride that with all my suicide attempts, I survived. I survived my own hand.

Still, though, World--I want to be your friend again. I want you to take me in and let me lean on you. I want you to give me the sweet escapes you used to give me when life just got too hard. I want you to need me as much as I need you. I want you to help me learn to smile again and really mean it. I want to smile until my face hurts from all of your beautiful splendor. But, most of all, I just don't want to cry anymore. So if it's not too much to ask, could you just forgive me for all of the blame? Thanks, World. You'll be seeing me soon. And, I promise, this time.. I won't hate you, just so long as you promise not to pity me.

Your survivor,

Emily

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