lamento for E
8:05 p.m.

E,

Honestly, the age difference has never been an issue for me. The aspects of your personality that were immature only added to your charm, and gave me no cause for alarm, as many consider me to be somewhat immature myself. I like so much about you, you seem to know about the things that I want to know about, and have an interest in many of the same things I do, I like the way you treat me when we are together, I like the way it feels to be next to you, I miss you when you are away and it makes me lonesome. So, anyone else would tell me to get over it after extended amounts of time have passed without seeing you, and you yourself may wonder about my motives when I become distressed over your absence. So there comes a point when I have to wonder what is really going on, and become curious as to my place in this world, and with you.

I feel sometimes that I have no place with you. Whenever I ponder any plans of the future, you seem to insist on your exclusion in them. I can plan for nothing involving you and must always think of myself as being a single intety. I have tried to watch myself on this subject, as you have often expressed your reservations about someone older wanting more from you. After pondering this, I have decided that this is a bunch of crap. I have talked to people younger than myself, and even younger than you, and they have all expressed that they always consider the future in terms of the pair, and consider nothing of the relationship lasting. If a break-up occurs, they consider it to be just as unexpected as the day they met, or fell in love with each other. One cannot forsee the meeting anymore than they can forsee the end, so it isn't considered.

For some reason, you do not have these insights, and I'm tired of believing it is anything that I cause. I'm tired of feeling old because I want to be with someone who, in reality, is not that much younger than me. I don't like striving to be part of a pair, only to realize that I don't fit.

This is where the age difference causes problems, although, I don't think that age is really the issue, rather, I think that maturity levels are the problem. I had to grow up very fast, and I learned very quickly that if I wanted to have anything in my life I could rely on noone but myself. I know that I put myself into situations that I should not have and I had to pay for my mistakes greatly. However, I never wanted to compromise myself, or my pride, nor did I want to be ordered around and manipulated into doing things that made me unhappy, or made me feel trapped. I don't like fences, and I always find a way to bust free. I worked hard, often times having two or three jobs so I didn't have to live at home with my parents. I tried very hard to take care of myself and my son so that we could have what we needed and often what we wanted. Sometimes I did dishonest things, and I'll admit that I have used people. Many times tho, I had to degrade myself. I got questioned, ridiculed, flamed, and many times, I thought that I was a bad person.

I don't think you are willing to make these decisions. Many times I see unjust things happen to you, and for a time I have wondered why you just accepted them. I think I know now. I think that your lack of reaction is a way that you protect yourself, and insure that you always get what you want. You are afraid that if you oppose things that upset you, someone might take something you like away. This annoys me because in my life, I have always opposed being hurt, being ruled, being bossed and being tempered. My life is mine, and I have always believed that respect is often earned by inforcing your own desires, to avoid being hurt later.

Basically, I don't think you have what it takes to become the person you want to become, and I am not going to sit by and watch it happen to you. It hurts me too much. I'm not sure how I can make you see that if you really want these things for yourself, there are some rules that must be broken, some feelings that must get hurt, and some ties that must be severed. I'm sure you will figure this out in your own good time, but truly, I don't think I have the heart to watch you get hurt over and over before it happens. What I am saying is that it isn't too late to take charge of your life, and this easy route you are looking for DOES NOT EXIST!!!! If you really want this, there is a lot of shit you will have to go thru, there are people that you will hurt and you will often times have to hurt people you love. I have longsince accepted the fact that this path you have chosen to take might upset me sometimes. I might not always understand what you are going thru. I also realized that no matter how much it hurts, I know that you will be happier, and if you are happy, we will have a better relationship. I know that sometimes we fight, simply because you are unhappy with yourself, and I can't understand why because I think that you are so wonderful.

I have decided that I have no influence on you, and nothing I can say or do will ever affect you in any way. I have always tried to consider you in all my decisions, but I don't think you offer the same courtesy for me. It only hurts on the inside, and I am rational enough to question why you would take the time to consider my needs or feelings in the first place. If you don't want to, thats fine, but I do feel that I am at a point in my life where I would like for someone to consider my feelings on issues that may greatly affect me.

I know you have many people in your life that you love, and I also know that I am not one of them. I have long ago accepted that, and only hoped that someday, you could love me too. There is an old saying though, "You can wish in one hand and deficate in the other and see which one fills up first", I guess I am identifying with that. Sometimes the hardest part of loving someone is accepting the things about them that you cannot change. I like to think that I love you for all of the things that are wonderful, and all the things that I question, simply because they are you. I hope that I never made you feel chained, and I hope that I never made you feel like you had to do something you didn't want to do (aside from the dishes :P). I'm sorry that I couldn't take better care of you until you got on your feet, I have felt guilty for it, but only because I knew that I had to take care of my needs and the needs of my family. Now I see that you are only looking for an easy way. You wont act, and I believe it is because taking action doesn't appeal to you. It requires effort and drive, and those are something that I don't think you have. If you did, I believe you would have already assumed the role as the man you wish to be, and not allowed other influences to determine who you are, simply because they can easily offer you what you want.

I wanted us to be something special, but I think that all of my efforts will ultimately be in vain. You can go on believing that I don't understand you, and that I don't really care, and that I can live my life without you. I can't change your mind, I have no influence on you. However I am tired of beating my head against the wall because you can't see that there are unecessary barriers keeping you from your desires. I hope you find someone to love you that can open your eyes to that someday.

In truth, I am a bit indifferent to you these days. When I think I am about to get hurt, I become very cautious. I think that you are about to hurt me, and judging by how much I care for you, I think you have the potential to hurt me a great deal. I hope you are seriously able to care for someone someday. I had hoped it was me, but I'm not so sure. There are aspects in my life that make me less desirable to you, and in many ways, I am not good enough for you, and in many ways, you are equally as unsuited for me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I wanted to help you to become something better than you are now, but I don't think I have the influence to do that. I'm not sure if it is because you do not trust me, or if it is because so much is going on that you really don't have the time to care. Either way, I want to get on with my life, and not wait for someone who could ultimatly leave me with a heavy or broken heart. I have waited too long to find someone like you, and I would rather get end it before I am stuck in a situation where I am crying into my pillow for days and days, only because I was stupid enough to believe that if I loved someone enough, they might love me. At this point, I am telling myself that even though I may have to settle for someone who is not as ideal as you, at least they will care for me.

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