I can't handle all of this
3:58 p.m.

-C

This is my practice letter to you. The real letter will actually be sent, but I need to think about what I could possibly say to this whole situation, and what better to make my thoughts flow than a diaryland box?

I still can't quite comprehend what happened the other night. What were you thinking? Because I know what I was thinking. I was thinking, "Oh my god. I don't want to do this." I was thinking, "Say no! Before it's too late!" I was thinking, "I can't believe this, please give me the courage to make it stop." That's what I was thinking. I wasn't ready. I didn't want it. But I couldn't say no. Not that I didn't want to, I literally couldn't say no. I froze. The words wouldn't come out of my mouth. My brain, however, was screaming them so loud I'm surprised you didn't hear my protests anyway.

Don't get me wrong; it was my fault too. And with everything else that went on before it, I guess I should have almost expected it. And from anybody else, I would have. Expected it, I mean. But not from you. I thought you were different.

You sent me an e-mail that night, after everything was said and done. You apologized and said that you were going to forget this chapter of your life. And you think that makes it all better? I'm glad you can just screw a girl and move on, but there are feelings at stake here. I'm glad you can forget all about it, but I can't. I can't get the picture out of my head. I can't keep wondering if I could be pregnant or not. Of course, it's way too soon to know. And so while you can just toss that night out like an empty pizza box, my shaken feelings remain. My fears, my nightmares, and my regrets are still there. And they will always be there.

Forget finding another guy, I can't even bear for anybody to touch me anymore. I feel so disgusting. I feel so gross and dirty. I won't be able to trust anybody for a long time.

And what if I do get pregnant? What if we find out that I am carrying YOUR baby? Would you leave me? Or would you feel obligated to stay with me? Because I want to be honest with you, at least in this particular letter, I don't love you. I can't fathom the thought of spending the rest of my life with you. I would go insane.

And my parents? I fear they would disown me. They would be so ashamed. My friends would be ashamed. They thought I was better than this.

And while you may be able to throw yourself into church and holy things to make yourself look like a good person, and to make yourself feel better, it's not as easy as that for me. If I got pregnant, I could never go to church again. I couldn't face them.

I'm 15 years old, C, I don't need all of this pressure on me. I didn't want this to happen. I need to sort myself out before I can actually talk to you face to face. Before I can look into your eyes. Before I can see you again. I need time to heal from this. Because while some girls lose their virginity and think it's just the best thing in the world, I wasn't ready. I lost something that I can never get back. I can never share myself with anybody and have it be sacred and intimate and special, because I have already done it before. 15 years old, and I have gone in a relationship as far as you can go. What happens now? What am I supposed to do? I just don't know what to think. I don't know what to say. And I definitely don't know what to do. I just need some time. So if I don't talk to you, don't call, don't e-mail, or instant message you, know that it's not because I hate you, but it's because I need to get myself together and figure out what the next step in my life is going to be.

Until we talk again,

-R

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