how could you?
11:09 p.m.

I wish I could be better than I am, but God, almighty, I'm not. And as scared as I am, the one selfish question keeps coming back...how could you do this to me? How could you do that, knowing what I struggle with day after day, knowing the pain I feel, the hurt I have, the frustration I face? I want to be able to know I can turn to you, but how can I trust you knowing what you've done? How can I depend on you knowing that you can't deal with your own issues? How can I ever talk to you about this when I know that you'll always feel guilty, when you'll always blame yourself. I feel so bad, so guilty, knowing that if I do this, you're going to find out, and you're going to take the blame. It's hard to talk to you because I know that you'll always turn it inward, and I can't bear to bring that kind of pain on you. I just...it feels like I can't tell you, even though I promised to, because I'm afraid of hurting you. And, yes, I know I'm being selfish to want you to think of me before acting on impulse when I don't, but I just don't understand how you could even consider doing that when you know how much pain it causes me.

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