if you would listen like you did in my dream...
9:31 a.m.

Dear _________,

Last night I had a dream that I told you everything that I ever wanted to say and you just stood there and listened to me. No interruptions. No arguing. No deep seeded issues bubbling to the surface to clog up my confessions.

In my dream I told you about people in my past. I told you about when I was young and I desperately just wanted people to like me. I explained very thoroughly and gave examples to back up my stories. I told you about Zack...the guy that (when I was sixteen) I was so infatuated with that I used to let him get me drunk, get me into bed, and then once I was there and ready and willing to do anything for him he'd just sit there and stare at me. He thought I was very funny, I guess. And Jennifer, I told you about her. How we used to get high and then she would refuse to let me go to sleep all night, I told you how she would keep me awake by stabbing me with safety pins whenever I closed my eyes. And I told you about Amanda, and how she hurt me terribly because I couldn't make her like me...I told you so many things in my dream...so many things that would probably clear up a lot of the confusion in this seudo relationship that we have...

Because, well, you see...I don't want you to be one of those people...one of those people from my past...one of those people that I loved so much but who never quite loved me back...I can't stand it. It's always that way. Whenever I find someone that I really like, they're the ones that are immune to my charms. I can hypnotize rooms of men with smiles and winks and giggles...but I can't even make you call me...I can't make you give me even a moment's worth of your time. It's hopeless.

That's what I learned from my dream last night. I can't let this self-destruct. All of the people that I described to you...well...all of those relationships ended in disaster...each one grating on my self-image more and more until one day I was just a desperate shell of a girl who got herself into the ultimate amount of trouble. I can't let the cycle continue with you. I have to see things that I can't change and just accept them. I guess I cannot control the world after all...and obviously I can't control you.

So, basically, I'm just done trying so hard. Bending over backwards in the hope that you will notice me as something other than the girl you sometimes like to talk to. I am going to grow up, finally, and realize that not everyone that I like or love is going to love me back. Love isn't always enough. Especially if it only comes from one side...I cannot perpetuate this in my head any longer. And though I do really love you, and all of those people in my past were just the silly games of a schoolgirl...I am letting you go because I love you. Because I want you to be happy and to live your life and I don't want to hold you back with feelings of obligation or guilt.

I'll be alright eventually. I'll get over it. Though, since I never had you to begin with, I'm not sure what it is I'm going to miss...I feel strangely happy...whole...complete suddenly. I am not going to fight anymore. I'm not going to cling to you, and I'm not going to force you into returning my feelings. Where I once would have begged and cajoled and offered up my body as a sacrafice, I am instead going to walk away with dignity. Keeping my chin up, as they say.

Happy Valentine's Day,

____________

<< - >>