lost and confused...
9:11 p.m.

Dear...

You tell me you love me. You say you didn't realize it until it was too late, and we were no longer together. I love you too. You know that. Then after a few months you tell me you're going out with her now. Now there's no way I can have you for god knows how long. The worst part is I can't be mad at either of you for it. You have every right to date whoever you want, and she is really nice. I guess I'm just stuck what could have been, again. I'm not even sure if I really want you or if I was just so comfortable with you I'm scared of what else might be out there. It's not that I wouldn't go out with you again. I definately would. Definately. Just now that you have a new girlfriend, it's making me rethink things. I was at a party two weeks ago, and, even though you had hooked up with other girls during our friends with benefits period after we broke up, I couldn't. I wanted to. I should have, but I didn't. If I could take that back now, I would, and I would have gone for it. You're the only person I've kissed for the last year. I would be completely contented with that if somehow we ended up back together, but instead you've gone off and done stuff with other people. Then there's me, who wants to, but can't for some fucked up reason I don't even know. I'm just trapped in some sort of confusing fog. I can't get out, and I don't know how anyone can help. I know you do still care about me, and you don't want me to be upset. It's my own fault though. When I was hurt, it was because I allowed myself to get attached again; now that I'm lost it's because I never really thought about what I really wanted before. I never thought I had to. Don't blame yourself, or keep saying you're sorry. I know you feel bad because you think its your fault. That's only partly true. Repeatedly telling me you're sorry only makes me feel like you're pitying me or thinking too much about what you want to say and not really listening. Granted they may be unfair assumptions, but when I'm sitting here crying, I'm not exactly thinking rationally. God I just feel so lost and confused. I'm stuck and I can't get out.

Love,

B

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