To My FoReVeR .
5:15 a.m.

Dearest D,

Yes. You did it again. You tried to forget that you love me, but I knew that you'd never truly lose that. I hung in there. I cried tears like raindrops--and it rained everyday. The storms of my mistakes are now dwindling to mere rolls of thunder, and I hear they've got a rainbow on the way over in Bethel.

We're both tied up with someone new at the moment. Yet, you and I, we will always be tied down to one another. What's the difference in 'tied up' and 'tied down'? I'm not quite sure. I guess love would have to be the difference.

You and I have each used the word love with one other person in a relationship. Both of those people hurt us in ungodly, unimaginable ways. I know that after H, you vowed to never love another girl. You swore that for you, it was over. You were uninterested. Cold.

And I? I clung to M for months after he had already gotten another girlfriend, took her to prom, and had sex with her. I hung on. I still hoped. And, after I finally realized that he would never want me again.. I also realized that I didn't know who I was anymore. Looking in the mirror--the addictions, the suicide attempts, the mental turmoil--I didn't know which way was up, let alone that I was even alive. Life was a game. And I played it well, while not knowing the consequences.

Then you came along, bubby, and I realized how dirty I had been. I realized that M never loved me; and H had never loved you. We had spent so much time on unrequited love that we weren't sure of anything. Even ourselves. I remember on one occasion, late at night, we were on the phone and you first broke those words to me. You were the first person to ever be honest to me, brutally honest.

You made me sure of myself. You put me on top of the world. You know what?! You never really called me by my name, or not often at least. You called me your angel or your princess. And I was.

We gave eachother something that we had never had before. We gave eachother true, passionate, deep, and unconditional love. It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. And I believe that is what pains me so deeply. Now, you and her, and I him. We're not eachother's partner.

But we're still there. We're still one another's one and only. No one could ever convince me different. Though, as much as I love this, as much as I enjoy knowing the man I want to marry: wants to spend forever looking in my eyes, smelling my hair, and making love to me.. it's also my deepest fear; because just because you and I know that forever has our name written all over it--they don't know. They think that there is a chance for our forevers to be spent with them.

Let's not them have that chance, D. Because a forever with someone else, whom I only adore, isn't worth a minute with you, the one I love. Just know that you are that forever I see when I look out onto the horizon of my life.

And if it turns out that I can't have my forever..? Then I guess I never really known a forever at all.

All my love,

~always-baby.diaryland.com

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