i just needed to type. sorry.
8:38 p.m.

Dear....oh, who knows? To anyone who's listening:

There's so much in this life that I am unsure of. So many feelings, so many thoughts, so many things that happen that I just stand by and allow because I just don't get this life. Here I am, twenty-one...more than half way to forty years old...and I just have nothing. Nothing. Nothing that's really mine. Sure, I have sisters, and a mother that I adore...but we are not without our misunderstandings...our secrets...our manipulations...

When I was little I thought that life was only about finding love...and that everything else was supposed to just fall into place around that. Like in all the stories, and the movies, and the books, you know? So for so long I concentrated on that. On finding love. Always I could be found mooning over someone, or cooking up schemes to "hook" someone, or just "hooking-up" with someone. Whatever, so long as there was always love. And for a little while there was. So many, so much.

And now there just isn't. Or well, there is...but there isn't...because he doesn't want me. And well, I guess that's beside the point because really this unrequited desire that lives in my heart these days is only my just desserts. The point is that I don't have love...and since I've spent my whole life with that as my focus...well, now I don't have anything else either. I had jobs to meet people, not to make or save money. And, though I am intelligent, school was always more a place to get a date then it was to pick up college credits and make something of myself.

I just figured that would happen once I found "the one", like in the fucking stories.

So what does a girl in this predicament do? I quit my job recently...and I've had to drop out of school for the moment...and well, the only boy I have ever truly, truly, truly loved with all of my heart truly doesn't want me as anything more than his :::shudders::: friend. My mother thinks I've spent my life so far in a state of immature flights of fancy...and she's right. I realized that today. Or, well, I acknowledged that today, because I've really known it all along.

But there are so many things in this life that I am unsure of. In fact, the only thing I am sure of is how unsure I am. Maybe I'm not meant to have the things other people have...like a life, a home of my own, a family of my own creation, a career...but I want those things. And I think I may have decided to try to get them...on my own...you're never too old to put your nose to the grindstone and work towards a goal, are you? It can't be too late for me...

...at least I hope not...

Yours Truly,

D.

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