not being able to help it
4:43 p.m.

For NDG,

I have to tell you: I've been trying to not love you anymore. It's not working. I can't let go of you.

And I know why...

I can't let go of something that was never in my grasp. I can't let you free when I've never had the chance to hold you close. And I don't know when I will. But I'm waiting for you.

You know, a while back I was imagining that this letter was from you. It almost works, doesn't it? I know it's not you -- why would you sign it "D" when I am the only one who calls you that? It's your middle initial. There's no reason in the world...

But I'm going to pretend it is you. Just for a minute. Just to make myself feel better. Just to heal a little.

"And so, somewhere in this confusing letter there is a goodbye hiding. It's a goodbye for you ... We were not meant to be together forever. That's just not the way things are. And, though it breaks my heart to think of the lonely days ahead of me...I have had lonely days before."

I've got to tell you something, darling. You need to know that I have been thinking this exact same thing. I think it in moments of doubt and darkness, when I feel ready to give up. It's not true though, it's not true...

"You have a life, you have a heart and a soul that are yours to spend whichever way you choose. You have to go and live."

I do have a life, heart and soul -- and you do too. I've been thinking this again and again and again. You see girls every day at school and different places... Our lives are such that I'm just not one of them. We see each other for five minutes a week. Here and there there's an extra moment, a few hours... but the fact of the matter is that I'm just not one of those blessed girls who get to see you daily. And if you're going to fall in love with one of them instead... then so be it. There's nothing I can do about it but wish things were different.

Just, I hope that you haven't given up on me. Because I can't seem to give up on you.

Please.

Love,

~jackie

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