it won't stop hurting
4:50 p.m.

angel...

I'm sure it wasn't you who wrote that entry - I don't think you even know about this place - but I still heard it in your voice and it cut me to my soul. "I will never love you again."

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I said it so many times, you kept telling me to stop. But I am. I'm sorry I was stupid. I'm sorry I was blind. I'm sorry that I didn't know I wanted you until you belonged to someone else. I'm sorry that I told you how I felt, thinking naively that it would make things better. I'm sorry that I couldn't be happy for you.

I'm sorry that I couldn't go back to being your friend. That I couldn't stop hoping. That I've never figured out how to stop loving you. I'm sorry that I dream of you. I'm sorry that I miss you. I'm sorry that I'm still waiting for you to call.

I'm sorry that I lied to you and told you I was over you. I'm sorry that my willpower broke and I told you that I'd lied. I'm sorry that the only way out I could see was to walk away. I'm sorry that I said it wrong, that I couldn't make you understand, that when I said "it's just for a few months" you told me you'd rather I didn't come back. I'm sorry that I haven't.

I'm sorry that I fell in love with you and that everything I tried to do or be for you has only made you hate me. I'm sorry that I was a child when you met me and I didn't know better.

I'm sorry that I'm not as good as I thought I was. I'm sorry that I was never as good as you hoped I was.

I'm sorry that I left. I'm sorry that I can't come back. I'm sorry that I ever, ever hurt you.

I wish I could just see your face again.

I wish you'd forgive me.

I wish I didn't know that you're not reading this.

<< - >>