why?
12:24 a.m.

Dear N,

I dont know where we went wrong. I thought we were perfect, I thought everything would be perfect. Somehow, in the past few months [wait... why am I kidding myself? it's been since we've started dating], we've just been... not right.

I'm tired of fighting with you. I'm tired of having to dread coming home because I know I'm going to talk to you and I know it's going to turn into a fight. And it would be one thing if we were fighting in person... but this phone bullshit, [this long-distance bullshit in general] is too much. I'm tired of long, akward, loaded silences... I'm tired of guarded words and sharp tones. Yes, half of it [more than half?] is from me, but I dont care anymore.

I'm tired of feeling guilty all the time, because of you. I'm tired of lectures and of guilt trips.... I'm tired of us.

You once said, "I love you but hate our relationship". I was so angry, and didnt understand what you meant then, but now I do. I hate this relationship, hate it with an everliving passion... but I still love you.

And loving you hurts, loving you hurts me so much. I just want to be over it, at least be able to put it off until we can figure out what to do with it... but maybe that's not possible, anymore. Maybe we're fooling ourselves. Maybe we're stupid.

I'm tired of hurting you, and I'm tired of hurting. I hope, seeing you this weekend, we can work something out, even if it is something final.

Yours, always and forever,

~S

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