Not-so little girl lost.
4:24 p.m.

G,

You're never going to change. Watching your life is like watching a train wreck - it's tragic, gory and stomach turning but some sick kind of horrid fascination makes it worth staying to watch. You're like a female Peter Pan, but without his charm. You left seventeen behind a long, long time ago, and your antics aren't the least bit cute.

It goes something like this -

You want to change your life so you make all of these new resolutions, confident that you're at least trying to move in the right direction.

You blame your father and a long, long ago ex for your emotional dysfunction, but vow to grow past it.

You make new friends, because all of the old ones were crazy and abusive people, putting you in bad situations and driving you up the wall.

You know that you can do better than the job that you have, so you keep on going while looking for something you really deserve.

In the meantime, you're convinced that maybe, if you work hard enough, you can be truly creative. Maybe you can even write and maybe you'll show all of those people who see you as a f*ck up what you really are.

You're constantly hooking up with guys who are sweet but aren't quite what you want. You end up moving in different directions and, when you end it, you feel like you've broken their heart.

I would ask if that's about right but I know that it is. I have always been your mirror, your opposite number and you ignorantly see me as some kind of nemesis. Thankfully, we share no similarities, and I'm secure in the knowledge that you never really saw *me* at all. You projected your own best and worst qualities onto me as it suited you.

The truth goes something like this -

You're moving in circles. No matter how much you move around, you always end up back at the same place. Floundering. Needing new people to make it seem fresh.

You won't ever resolve your history with your father because you're a coward, afraid of the truth. That long ago ex only took what you were so freely offering, "without strings" - except you tried to string him up for imagined crimes.

Why no long term friends? Because if they stick around long enough, they see the cracks, the chasms, the black holes in you. It's so much easier to move on and retain the illusion, isn't it?

You won't push yourself. All you've ever wanted is the selfish path, the path of least resistance. This won't ever change unless circumstances push you into it.

You don't have the discipline, academic knowledge or emotional honesty needed to be that kind of creative. Stick to arts and crafts. You're good at building pretty pictures out of no substance.

All women are alike in the dark. If you'd give something of yourself, instead of trying to be one of the cool kids.. If you'd be honest with yourself, maybe you'd show those guys something they want to keep coming back for.

You're a tragedy. Maybe one day you'll be a character in one of my stories. Maybe that way, you'll live the life you should have lived.

R

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