You
4:16 p.m.

I really shouldn't let you get to me, but you do.

I noticed you from the beginning. I just seemed to like everything about you, your confidence, sense of humour...you were just perfect. I developed a crush on you.

At one point I didn't think you even liked me that much, but maybe I just needed reassurance.

Well I've always needed reassurance with you.

My heart sank when you asked her out, God it hurt. You saw me as just a friend, and that was always what I was going to be, nothing more.

So when you broke up I was delighted, but you still wanted her. You told me so, and it was obvious to everyone. You followed her around like a little puppy.

We became close, and although it was informal we used MSN to talk. When you told me those secrets, I just felt so wonderful. Your trust meant everything.

We had that big argument, but I realised then how much you meant to me, I didn't want to lose you. You were a great friend.

And when everyone else abandoned you, I was there for you. And you knew I would be. I suppose subconsciously I was just a replacement, but I didn't care. I loved the attention. Remember when you pulled that bit of dust out of my hair? That was the most intimate moment we have ever shared.

You used to hug me quite falsely, as if just for the sake of it. But as we grew closer they became more intimate. You would pull me towards you and our faces would touch. I never wanted to let go.

Of course gradually people realised they wanted to know you. And you gained more friends. I was left behind, and it sounds selfish but no longer was that attention for me. I would get angry at small things, but I never meant to hurt you. I just got upset because I knew you were slipping away, and I didn't want to lose our friendship.

Sometimes I think I've bruised your ego. You've never been good with girls and me getting annoyed with you all the time probably didn't help. You probably thought all girls were moany bitches like me.

Then I sent you that e-mail about our friendship, how you were rude to me lately and didn't seem to notice me anymore. It was true, you used to bounce up to me and say hello, now I barely get a glance from you. You met new girls who didn't treat you like crap and you realised you didn't deserve to be treated badly by me. It's true, I can never apologise enough.

You talked to me about that e-mail, and it turned into a big argument, and I'm sorry. Yes I am a drama queen, but I missed your attention so much. You never hugged me like you used to, or made me feel that special.

You told me I was a good friend, and I was happy, I just needed that reassurance.

So now we have grown apart, and I know it. You don't tell me your secrets anymore of hug me because you "just feel like it". It's gone. You are so much more confident and happier.

And although I am to blame for your lack of confidence in the beginning, I think I also helped you build it again. Remember when you said you hated life? Well I was there to help, and you knew it. Remember you phoned me out of the blue because you just needed to talk to someone? Well I always helped you out, and now you're amazing.

So although you don't really confide in me anymore, it doesn't really matter. Sometimes it hurts because I miss that, but others I'm glad that you are finally happy. Maybe I am to blame for your little "No-one loves me" slump, because if I gave you bad advice it made it worse. Maybe you'd be better if we had never been close.

But every now and again you'll give me a look, or you'll tell me a little problem, and it'll be like the old days. I'll tell you what I think, then you'll bounce off to your friends.

I'll never tell you this because you think we are fine now, and we are. If I bring it up you won't understand. This letter will never be sent, because it's not worth it.

Sometimes, through all the pain you've caused me, I think I still have that girly little crush on you, sometimes I still get giddy if we have a little chat or my heart jumps if you say my name.

Whatever happens, I'll always remember our great history. We never be that close, but I'll always remember the way you made me feel.

I want to thank-you for making me feel so special. I don't think you'll ever know how much you helped my confidence amongst males. Hopefully, maybe a teeny bit, I helped you too. I don't know how. I just hope, despite all the pain and arguments, you still think I'm that little bit special.

You know I think I love you.

<< - >>