G
8:48 p.m.

G -

I'm going to pretend that a letter I just read here is from you, even though I know it's not. I'm going to pretend. Tonight I had a shock- a name cropped up that I recognised- an online friend of yours, I seem to recall. It made me think of you, of course, heart pounding, head spinning, something in my hurting as always.

I wanted to go check your journal, like I've wanted to so often over the last year, but I didn't read it. I checked it was till there, like I sometimes do. But I didn't read the entries. I don't let myself, you see. I can't. I know that if I did it would all start hurting again. Just hearing your name is enough to do that, you know. Just thinking, for a second, that I might have to face you again. It's enough to tilt my world.

I miss you, do you know that? Probably not, unless you really did write that letter I saw here. It's not yet a year. Ten months, maybe. Yeah, I count. The last time I spoke to you was december 5th. So it's almost a year since I've heard your voice. Almost.

It's been a pretty good year. No, honest truth. I have been happy. I am still happy, I think. I have known joy. I have seen my star rising. I have missed you. I have kept walking, like Orpheus, refusing to look behind.

Gods permit I have not his weakness.

And oh I should be happy, and oh I am in truth - but still I cry for you, here, now, in the stillness, and I miss you, and I still dream - every day I daydream about finding you again, and putting my arms around you, whispering to you and hearing your voice.

Sometimes when I turn my head I catch the scent of you hair on mine.

Angel? I still miss you. I wish there was a way to make it right.

But I'm a coward and I'm a fool, and I'm afraid that if I phoned you'd hate me, and or I'd hate you, or you'd still want him over me.

They say it takes time. Well, a year isn't much. Give me a couple of months and I'll raise a glass and toast in the next year, and the next, however long it takes until I can pretend that I've forgotten.

Angel, angel, I remember and I miss you.

Forgive me if you ever can.

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