i'm here, but i'm not
8:04 p.m.

-

I have a feeling that nothing is going to save me this time. Nothing is going to help. Nothing is going to make the days easier to live through until one morning when I wake up and I see the world as new. I am really losing it this time. And it's your fault, and this love...this anguish that is the root of all of this turmoil...it has a flip side. It turns to this hate. This resentment. You did this to me. You made me love you. You made me worship you. You made me follow your every movement and listen to your every breath and then you just expect me to one day, without a word, be able to just stop? And I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't think...I just sit here and watch you as you sit there and live your life. Everything is still basically the same for you, isn't it? I still do all of the things I used to do for you only now I get no appreciation at all. How did this happen? How did I become so whipped? And I am whipped because even as I say this...even as I wish I could put my fist through a wall, or tear down the walls to this apartment...even as I wish I could scream at you and kick you and beat you into the ground for fucking up my head like this I know...I know that if you came in here right now and put your hands on me I would let you. I would let you, and it makes me sick to know that I would because you do not desereve me.

That's what obsession is, I guess. Wanting what you can't have. Seeing the truth about someone but not caring...still only wanting. And it's this desire that's ripping me up on the inside...it's this need that makes it hard for me to swallow. And it's this love/hate thing that's making me absolutely crazy.

Because I do hate you now....even as I love you more than my own life, I despise you for being so careless with my love, with my heart, with me. You've treated me like I have no feelings at all...and I can even admit now that I think you used me, too.

You ruined everything, even this letter,,,because I'm crying too much to even finish typing it.

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