the beginning and the end were too close together for me
11:59 p.m.

I just have to say that you have broken my heart. I never knew what that truly felt like before this very moment. Sure, I've known sadnesses and I have known heartache...but this is something so phenomenally different. My heart is breaking inside of my chest as I type these words. And I can feel the pieces of it stabbing me in the gut. Shards of my dreams and my useless love for you are cutting me up inside and I just don't know what to do. I feel helpless and hopeless and this despair seems so endless that if the world keeps turning, if the sun comes up tomorrow, if I open my eyes in the morning and find that the universe hasn't imploded some time in the night I will be so surprised.

This must be what all of those songs I never understood were about...this must be the motivation behind every crime of passion...this must be the muse for every poet that's ever written a sonnet. I never in my wildest imagination knew it was possible to be this sad. I've cried. I've cried so much that I feel like there's nothing even remotely moist left in me anywhere...and still the sobs keep racking my body.

I sit here now at this keyboard, staring at this monitor, and I just have to wonder how I'm ever going to get up and move on with my life. You were my life. I gave up everything I ever knew for the love that we had...and now I don't have that anymore. You've changed your mind. I no longer intrigue you, and now that I think about it...now that I look back...I realize that you've been dropping hints that this was coming for a while now. I was just too much in love to see it. I still am too much in love, which is the real bitch of the situation. You get to carry on with your every day existence while I am left here, holding on to one half of a love that was so ultimately perfect that it defied all reason, it laughed in the face of the world, it took precedence over everything else. We created our own world...and now you want me to leave it? How can I? Where will I go? I don't even feel like I speak the language anymore. I'm just lost...lost without you...lost in the cliche of these broken heart blues.

And the real agony of it all is that we still live together. We get to be roommates now...only now I'm sleeping down the hall. And everytime you smile at me this treacherous thread of hope pulls at the debris of my poor heart and I think, "What if there's still a chance? What if everything can go back to normal?" What I wouldn't give for that. The things I would do if only it meant that i could open my eyes to find that this last couple of weeks has been a bad dream. Because I want your arms around me, I want to feel you kissing me, I want to hear you whispering to me, and most of all I want my brain to stop telling me that maybe you never really loved me at all.

And I want someone to tell me how to get through this. I want to know how to be dignified when all I want to do is throw myself at your feet and beg you to love me. Don't do this to me. Tell me it was all a cruel joke...tell me you lost your senses for a moment...tell me that you love me. Glue these pieces back together, because I can't live without you...or my heart.

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