wishing for something that can't be.
5:27 p.m.

No matter how many times I go over it in my head, I know that I will never be able to fully accept why everything stopped, why the love that I saw in your eyes seemed to vanish without trace. You broke me that day. You made me feel like a completely pathetic excuse for a human because I loved you so much and yet you no longer felt the same.

I know that it wasn't easy for you. It would have been obvious to anyone who sat watching your eyes become tearful as you told me, as you stroked my foot because it was the only way you could show me that you were sorry. I wish that that had been the end. I wish with all my heart that it had been simple, that you had for once told me everything so that I would know what to do, how to act. But you're not like that.

I think you were confused. A rather blatant observation. Alcohol was always your excuse when you told me that you still cared, it was always an excuse to say that you didn't remember saying it. When you kissed me, our first kiss of this year, I felt so at home even though I knew that it was probably only for that one night. When we kissed again, it felt even better because you did all those things you used to do when we were together. You looked at me in that way, you held me in that way, you kissed me like you missed me. You made me feel wanted. But none of those things seemed to matter. I guess you were inadvertedly using me to sort yourself out. Shame you messed things up even more.

When I came round last week, I hated you. I hated you for messing me about, for being all over my friends. I hated myself more for letting you get away with it for so long. I know I was harsh, said things that could have been put in a nicer way, but you wouldn't have listened. At least that night you were finally honest with me. At least you told me that you thought the only reason you still cared that way about me was due to the length of time we were together. Feelings don't just disappear.

I hate that you were honest though. I wish you had been unsure, wish you had thought that you did still love me because at least then I wouldn't feel so rejected. I wouldn't feel as though I was nothing, that you don't require me even as a friend any more. In my heart I know that that's a silly thing to think but how can I help thinking it when all I see is you spending more time with my friends, asking them to do things as friends but never seeming to want to do anything with me as a friend. It's probably for the best though, right?

There are so many things that I'm still uncertain about though. So many questions I want to ask but am too scared to and even though I trust you more than I will ever be able to express, I know that there are things about us that I will never say to you. And it kills me, eats away constantly. I hate loving you so much but I can't stop because you are so beautiful. I can't stop because I can't accept that there is no second chance.

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