a chocolate Yoo-hoo kind of affair
2:40 p.m.

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So, I have been spending time with someone else these days. I'm not going to lie, he's not you...I still miss you when I'm with him, and I still wish he was you most of the time...but he's nice, and he's sweet and, most of all, he's real to me and he treats me as though I'm something real, too. That's important. Because what you and I had was so strong, so overwhelming, so all-consuming that it both filled me to the brim and ate away at me at the same time. We became so close so quickly that I forgot where I ended and you began. I miss that...I do. It was nice to feel so connected. So a part of something else. But you broke free, and you killed me when you did it. And it still kills me every day. I still look around me every now and then and think,"Where did it all go? Where did he go? I am alone inside, suddenly."

It's good for me to have something simple with someone else. Something that shows me what it's like to be normal, to be together but apart at the same time. It's good to feel wanted and desired without having to feel that knowledge always in the back of my head as it was with you...the knowledge that it was all just an obsessive, unhealthy game. I can admit now that even in it's ultimate beauty our love was also very sad, and very futile. I should never have loved you the way that I have (and still do). But you were a train I just had to ride, and now, I guess, this is our stop. The tracks have ended.

I have no regrets...just depressed dreams in which I'm crying, wishing I could go back in time and do it all again the right way. Maybe you'd still be with me, maybe we'd still be living our in blessed synergy...but then I wouldn't have him, and he's so simple, and sweet, and seperate. He's everything you're not...but I surprise myself by liking him anyway.

Maybe there's hope for me after all.

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