difficult
1:35 p.m.

I can feel myself collapsing under the weight of this...I don't even have a word to describe it. I don't know what it is. You don't approve; I can't tell you; I'm not prepared to be kicked out; I'm not prepared to let him go.

I can't even tell him how much I've been straining because I don't want him to know how difficult it's been for me lately; I can't even figure out why. And all he can tell me is that he doesn't want to cause problems, that he doesn't want to be a problem. That's his code statement for if you want to break up because of this, I'll understand. I won't hold it against you. I love you, but I know family's important as well. I don't want to let you go, but I want you to be happy.

You ask me if you know I'm hurting you, but do you know that you're hurting me?

How is asking to live my life like the other college students wrong? How is it wrong to ask to live the same life that thousands of people across the country live everyday, that my cousins got to live? And everyday, I question my decision. And everyday, I feel like I've made so many compromises on my life and it still gets me nowhere.

Absolutely nowhere.

It gets me curled up under my covers, crying, wishing for him to hold me, wishing that I could let him know this is difficult for me.

And I have to meet his mom. His mom, who is so excited and anxious to meet me, who thinks of me as the girl who's changed her son's life, in a good way.

But you don't think of him like that.

When you should.

You completely should.

<< - >>