first love kills
10:02 p.m.

everyone always says "well. it was your first love"

for some reason i dont want it to be my first love. because i always told everyone how your first love lasts forever and it's this amazing thing that two people share and you dont cry when you lookback on it, you smile and you might tear up from happiness.

you stole apart of me. something bigger than anything else. you stole my first love. and now you're just killing me off day by day

what the fuck am i supposed to do? i dont undertand, whatdo you want me to do??

there's nothing i can do. i just cry over you. it'd been a fucking year since it was over. since you stopped talking to me. and i never stopped loving you and wishing you'd come back to me.

and then we met up last month. i knew it would be perfect. i knew just everything would take its place again. i would either realize i was never in love with you, or we would get back together. becuase that's what happens, right? you always get back together. if you love someone this much, there's no way you couldnt get back with them.

but i was wrong.

i dont know who you are. i dont know how you think. you never made your thoughts clear to me. i wish you would.

i love you. so much. and you dont give a shit about me. or do you just try not to?

when you touched me. shivvers ran through my body. when you put your fingertips over my lips. i wanted to turn and kiss you. kiss you the way we used to kiss. kiss you the way you said no one will ever be able to kiss you again. with such passion that we just die there.

i fucking miss you, matt. why cant you understand this? why cant you understand how much pain i'm going through? i fucking know you love me. and i dont give a fuck if you're covering up your past and all the bad things you've done, with your new tiny little christain girlfriend.

what if she's not fucking right for you?

what does it fucking mean when you say to me "you were the perfect girl for me" and then you later say that you dont know if she's right for you

what does it fucking MEAN!

i feel like im fucking writing a piano piece. i feel as if this keyboard's my keys. my body's movig back in forth as i feel the words run through my veins.

i have so many things to say but i never get to say them

because i dont understand you.

and you'll never let me.

why cant we just be like the movies? why do authors curse us with lies of dreams?

-mary m.

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