Please Forgive Me for Making You Abuse Me
2:05 p.m.

I don't understand why I am always expected to kneel down to him, chase him down and shower him with love when it is never returned. He really screwed me up and so did you and dad. You watched him as he hurt me and did not intervene. Nothing he could do was wrong. He could do no wrong. He can still do no wrong. And now that he is so geographically far away, he is even more important.

He never apologized. I was expected to apologize to him. "I'm sorry that you beat me. I'm sorry that I pushed your buttons, as you'd say when I would try to have a normal conversation with you. I'm so very sorry for being around while you were in a rage."

And now. Now that I have my own family, now that I *attempt* to live my own *normal* life and build a *normal* family and work hard at my career, you push even harder. I am still expected to run to someone who doesn't love me, who possesses such an indifference to me. I must not only shower him with affection and acceptance, I should CELEBRATE him, I should cast my life aside to make sure that he's doted upon. Let me clue you in on something: he doesn't CARE. He doesn't LOVE ME.

You created this, do you know that? Each time he punched another hole in the wall next to my head, pushed me so hard that I had bruises all over my knees, or screamed threats that he was going to kill me, you took him aside and pet his head, like he was an injured bird and shot me an eye dagger. Did you actually believe him when he would say that I "pushed his buttons?" Did you? Because you were always there witnessing everything and I was always protecting you from him. When I would tell him not to talk to you like that, that you deserve more respect than to be called a f*cking b!tch - he called that "pushing buttons." When he'd throw glass picture frames at you and threaten you - for that, you turned on me.

Don't you understand that this is what you've always done? You have always coddled your abusers and now you're pushing me away. You already have. To this day, I'll bet he thinks that I'M the monster. That I abused HIM! That he was right, because you convinced him of that. You convinced him and you've always convinced him that it was ok to abuse his sister - who is much smaller in size - who just wants our family to love one another - who wants to discipline him because you will not.

Each year now, when you force me to celebrate him, when you act as if I'm not going to show up to his parties and treat me like dirt - now I know what that is. It's not you thinking that I'm this selfish and hateful person. It's your f*cked up way of displaying your guilt over the whole thing. He's been slapping me down my entire life and you know that, but you want to pretend that it isn't there, so you want to make for DAMN sure that I show up. Nobody will question what a bad mother you were if I just show up with a smile on my face, will they? Because it's all about you in the end, isn't it? You and your unhealthy relationship with your abusive son.

It's sad really, he's never *expected* to send a card or even call me or J on our birthdays. I don't think he even knows when they are. But, once again, I must crawl to him on my knees, begging for his forgiveness for "making him" beat me down for all these years.

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