dear providence
11:39 a.m.

What do you do if you think you may have stopped liking someone? Someone who's been a friend for years, whom you thought of, even a few months ago, as one of your closest friends. But then you talked to another friend, and discovered that some of the things that have always bothered you about the first one aren't limited to just your perception. And then you went to visit that friend, and it felt alien, and you found that whenever you spoke, she'd wait for a pause and turn the conversation back to her, or come out with some 'clever' comment that had nothing to do with what you were saying, and her religion was a dark shadow overhanging everything and making you feel threatened...?

And now everything she says in emails and journal entries strikes you as petty or smug or selfish, and you don't know what to do. Because you don't know how much of her is real. She was _there_ for you more than once, and you'd thought you were there for her, but suddenly you don't know if she has ever spoken the entire truth to you. Because masks are easier on the internet. And you find yourself questioning even the simplest thing she says. You wonder if she's lying.

It makes me feel sick inside.

<< - >>